So, let’s put a modern twist to what this person feels like, how it makes your body react, does it make you tense when you are feeling this emotion?
This video is a little out of the “box” rather than your normal video he does a pretty good job as being the actual emotion that a person.
Here is a short video done rather well made for Beyond Blue – see below for further information on what to look for and who to contact.
Ben does this so well and yes, anxiety does make you fear the worst, in many cases everyone who does suffer from this does have different symptoms however, it can be helped with time and understanding and friendly ear and tools to help you overcome this terrible emotional and in most cases draining feeling.
It does take time however, time is our gift so please do yourself a favour and make sure you get some good advise rather than suffer in silence.
Here are my suggestions in selecting who is best to cater for your mental health needs, we forget that this is the most important decision when selecting a person who is a Professional, who makes you feel comfortable, that does not judge you, make you feel uneasy or nervous, a person that understand you and can sympathise with you while helping you gain clarity towards a better happier life.
We forget our rights as human beings and our minds are amazing and in some cases untouched which is exactly why it is important when you wish to share your emotions, feelings, your stories of yourself and how you feel when you share them with this person.
Never allow anyone to treat you with disrespect, it’s our fragile moment when we share our secrets, our sadness, our deepest parts of our life with another person or persons, it isn’t something that cannot just be tossed aside by opinions, aggression, ego an opinion is just that, a person that can listen and empathise is what you require in mending your life better by helping you with tools to understand how to reduce our fears.
Look for a person who is warm, caring, private a respectful manner a confident and clear tone, they inform you of your rights, they inform you of what is required and they do not lie to you, ever.
It is important because when trust and loss, sadness and fear is fractured then we must search for a person that can help mend our path and make our future path clearer for us to walk towards, it is vital and it is there Duty of Care to help you or direct you to a better happier and healthier life walking forward.
myCompass is free online self-help program developed by the Black Dog Institute. myCompass is easily accessible on your mobile phone, tablet or computer and has been proven to relieve symptoms in people experiencing mild-to-moderate anxiety and depression.
This Way Up is a not-for-profit initiative, jointly designed and developed by Professor Gavin Andrews and his team of psychiatrists and clinical psychologists at St Vincent’s Hospital, Sydney. A small registration fee is required.
MoodGYM is a free self-help program to teach cognitive behavioural therapy (or CBT) skills to people vulnerable to depression and anxiety.
OnTrack offers free access to online programs, information, quizzes and advice to support the Australian community in achieving mental and physical health and wellbeing.
You must open your eyes and ears when you watch this lovely, gentle and open female who met her soulmate and I must say it took my breath away because her openness is so unique and so beautiful that I totally get her and understand why and sometimes love isn’t ever as simple or as difficult as you would think.
We are human beings with beautiful hearts and souls so, why is it so difficult for us to say no to what your heart says yes too?
Live your life authentic and real to you first, never judge a book by it’s cover and always, always do it with that idea of never asking too much, it’s about experiencing life without expectation.
Try that and I promise you it will free your closed minds and open to a better tomorrow…
Love this story well done and wow, blew me away and so proud and in love with you…
Well, I had thought once that change should be easy, change is like saying, Okay, just like the click of your fingers…
Did you know we live part of who we are is based on the habits that we have formed or perhaps we possess.
Funny, when it is just a habit, right?
Let me tell you something that most may understand, It is extremely difficult to change our lives because, the simple reason is for the the most part, we spend it living in fear, worry, stress, anxiety. we are dealing with negativity from others and ourselves.
We truly can be our Worst enemies at times…
They say to children stay as children for as long as you can, there is some fact behind that saying, because once you become of age and leave school you are working, going out, spending money, paying bills, fighting with your flatmates, family, brothers, sisters and they suddenly we are merging to purchase blocks of land. (which happened for me at the age of 18)
I had to get a block of land, get married by the time I was 20 years old, the stress of building the house, then the stress of family, friends in getting pregnant, miscarriage, feeling like a failed female. (which I didn’t)
However, stress was upon us after we had our son Jordan, when was the next child, the next car, the next house, the next new bright blinging, thing. Change was upon us however, in such a anxious, stressful, argumentative, wrenching times it took most of the fun out of life. (well for most of us it did in those times)
I worked 12 hour shifts at the Hotel for over 10 years, I never saw a Christmas with my entire family, then New Years, then Birthdays, Easters, need I go on?
The only moments we had was when we spent time with like-minded others who had children, husbands, wives, it was Kaos, we where forever tired and the funny thing we where only 23 to the age of 26 years of age.
Finally, when we wanted to change it was forced by circumstances like adultery, cheating in other words or perhaps love was gone within some of us because we had to grow up so quickly.
Yes, it was still change, however, not the positive change we are all attracted too, for me it was quite the opposite, even though I was divorced by 26 or 27 years old I was a single mother, happier, alone, yet still happier.
Then other stresses came up like, things I would rather not put onto here for now, you see these changes are still not really Utopia now are they?
For me I lost alot of friends all because my change didn’t fit in well, with their lives, even though they had not (yet) evolved which they did with time, they just was not ready to do what I did.
Which was I made a decision and said, I want out, because of my own reasons, which if you read my posts you will already know why.
So, change happened for many , many and many years later, for me I was not interested in dating, getting married, even having a boyfriend, all I wanted to do is finally have a little bit of “fun”.
I wanted to experience what that felt like for me, yet it was difficult to find anyone that had the same values as me and that didn’t want to hinder me or my family which was my son. It was difficult because I didn’t have eyes on the back of my head, however, I did try to have them, how stressful was that..
So, I waited, in some instances I was eager and stupid, and a little bit irresponsible, which is only human, however, it was in the long run damaging and heart breaking for me and of course my only son Jordan.
The moments I went through and never told him, he never knew anything was wrong with me, I would smile, laugh, sometimes I would secretly cry in the shower alone to get that stress out of my mind because it hurt so much.
Then by the time I was much older, my son I had decided to let his Dad, take him, I was a mess, my changes by this time was like a comet landed on this planet and aimed for my head with the thunderous “BOOM”.
The above is just a real example of the climb to the top of the negative pile, now let me explain how a positive change can evolve.
How to Change Your Life
Well, frankly, your on the mountain top, guess what folks, you have experienced enough to understand what it is like to have mostly everything feel like shit.
So, you shrug your shoulders look down peering the sloppy edges and think, well, what have I got to loose, I have experienced the worst, and let me tell you I did, if there is anymore then I will handle it and start afresh the next day.
And that is exactly what I did to change, I practiced everyday, it started months, then weeks, then back to months, then tears, then I after understanding and a bit of education and great mentors, and painful stubborness within myself and sometimes my partner and mostly another or others.
I told myself I got into this mess, to get to the top, now a bit of fun, a cheeky attitude and good company, I am happy with that and if it makes me smile again, laugh again, even have sex and enjoy it , then that is all ever wanted and looked forward to.
However, I told them I couldnt do this alone, I needed help because I was scared of falling back into my bad habbits of the negitive stuff, so I said, please meet me half way!
I think I lost them in translation of understanding that I only had half to give because I spent my other half failing and being hurt and always feeling scared of change..
I needed a good push into the deep end of a positive outcome with like-minded people.
It was that simple and it was not as simple to explain even for me…
End of story xxx
So, what is your story of your life in relation to change?
This type of change is called The Transtheoretical Model (Stages of Change)
Transtheoretical Model in other words it is called Stages of change – this came about with watching different types of people, with different types of stresses, habits, even addictions even. These subjects if you wish are put through 6 stages of change, they are:
Precontemplation – this is a stage that they do no intend to do a thing for the foreseeable future, (or at least a good 6 mths – fingers crossed) They are unaware that their own behaviour may be problematic, and more thoughtful and practical consideration of the pros and the cons of changing behaviours.
Contemplation – This is where they download GHIA website and start to do meditation or they download a health site and get into eating healthy or at least try (again they try for 6 mths – fingers crossed)
Contemplation (Determination) – In this stage, they are armed and ready, steady, go, attitude, this can be done within weeks (lets give them 30 days, shall we – oh yes fingers crossed)
Action – This stage is their behaviour has changed, marching forward like ants up a hill, determined to get the other side so to speak (again, we give them 6 mths – give more than fingers crossed)
Maintenance – This stage , people have sustained their behaviour – this isnt for the faint hearted because it does take strength to maintain this and I am not talking Botox – for me (which would be nice for some – this time span is at least 6mths) they try hard not to re-lapse by this stage.
Termination – Finally, at the end , they do not wish to return to what they once where (I get it totally) they feel healthier, happier, free from bad habits, they can decide for themselves what they wish to do walking forward.
We are all different and we can all fall of that bike however, always understand that when you finally are here we get back on with a better mindset and a bit of a skip and jump of positivity
Hospitality Industry , why oh why do you call out too me…
My first day back in the Food and Alcohol Industry, was today, the Chef, did over 80 PAX and it was run, run and run, Yes, Chef, Over the Pass.. call it out loudly.. preferably not too loud for customers to hear.. for example here are some glossary for some that do not know.
Now I would mention the place however, best not to I may have a few eyes upon me that I wouldn’t really want them coming into the Restaurant too quickly.
Here are some terms that I know myself of Chefs and what they do..
The pass – a large counter, typically lit by heat lamps, where orders are printed and assigned, and where a head chef inspects (and often tastes) each dish before it’s collected by a waiter. The nerve centre of a kitchen.
Brigade de cuisine – a military-like kitchen hierarchy developed by French chef Georges Auguste Escoffier in the early 1900s, which most modern kitchens use a simplified version of.
Executive chef – a highly experienced chef who manages the creative and operational aspects of one or more kitchens: designing menus, hiring new staff, ordering raw ingredients and so on.
Head chef – the second in command, who runs the kitchen during service and may have a hand in creative aspects of the menu.
They spend most of their time at the pass, receiving dockets and checking plated dishes.
Sous chef – next in command after the head chef; often runs the kitchen on quieter days.
Typically coordinates the kitchen’s stations and various chefs de partie. Larger kitchens often have several sous chefs.
Chefs de partie – trusted line chefs who run a kitchen’s varied stations, such as the grill station, fry station and cold station.
May or may not be assisted by demi chefs to cook meat, assemble salads and so on.
Commis chefs – junior chefs who do the most menial work at each station, such as shelling peas or de-scaling fish.
They also look after each station’s utensils. Typically training to become a demi or chef de partie.
Kitchen hands – in charge of pot-washing and other miscellaneous tasks. In some restaurants, they may also do prep work with commis chefs.
Good kitchen hands anticipate what equipment the kitchen needs next and prevent delays.
I loved it very much back tomorrow lovely patrons and staff I enjoyed it very much and the people are divine.
Last night I came home from spending most of my morning and afternoon with my brother Corrado, who I call Charlie at his house.
I had a great day actually I swung past my Dad’s resting place amazing Cemetery, they used to have beautiful Peacocks walking around but, apparently the head stones got “ruined” because they would do there number 2’s on them all the time so they removed them, what a pity.
Anyway, what a beautiful resting place as I could not find a place for flowers on the way to Rockingham I ended up stopping on the side of the road to cut some “yellow” (meaning friendship) flowers to place on his resting place.
They say the first time is the hardest, well, I say the second time for me was pretty intense to say the least, however, as I was placing his flowers in the vase my mum put there I met a man called Michael.
Now what is interesting is that Michael, was the older brother of Dale who is right next to my father, he told me Dale was 21 years old died 5 years earlier in a Motor bike accident, I thought and said, that I am sorry for your loss Michael, he said, thank you, and you?
I said, well, this is my father Angelo, he was 83 years old, he was sick with Prostate cancer, he also had Emphysema and Asbestosis, he was 39 kilo’s and he survived for over 3 years sitting upright in a chair.
I said, your brother Dale has very good company Michael, he was a avid West Coast supporter, I didn’t tell him that he also liked the Dockers being from Fremantle (whoops) however, he was a man of integrity, pride, loyalty and his love for his family was second to none to say the least.
And he loved people so your brother will be fine now my dad is next to him, he said, I come here every time I come home and I have my lunch and speak to my brother, I said, well, I am sure we will see each other again, then Michael and it was nice to have met you.
Which got me thinking about what my dear friend said to me she said Arch Angel Michael comes to us when someone is about to die or he comes to us when we need someone to help us through our hardest moments..
Open your mind and listen to the Angels if the name Michael comes to you ask yourself why?
Angels are around you Trust me I am a bit of a believer, more so now, even before really I don’t believe our essence dies I believe that our spirit lives on in the Universe and to me that is comforting.
It was a great day click onto the link above to get your own down load of what Michael means to you.
The Name Michael
You hear or see the name Michael an unusual amount of times in a short period of time. Archangel Michael is kind and compassionate, and really wants to reassure you in times of crisis or sadness or fear, and he will use ANYTHING to get your attention! Nothing is a coincidence – pay attention to repeat names, phrases, subjects, colours, or anything else that seems unusual to experience that often!
Déjà vu! Archangel Michael uses this phenomenon to wake you up to something heading your way. Open your eyes and ears when Déjà vu happens to you – there is an important message, or heads up, for you to use to help yourself.
Well, you know when you feel that you have exhorsted yourself so much for people and you know this feeling will never end… until either one of us are dead or one leaves.
I guess I have tried so much for so long and frankly, it isn’t working for either one of us I really think that 2021, is a brand new journey for me… Alone…
I am tired and I am at my tither and frankly, I really have nothing else to loose anymore apart from my own self, and I am not doing this again at my age I am happy to stop, smell that beautiful roses cut them and take them with my alone.
If you don’t fit anymore, well, leave and do something for yourself that will make you happy, because dragging someone or both threw the dirt all because of insecurities, middle age, stupidity, nothing but, arrogance, hostility all because of .. WHAT?… you tell me.. why people can’t just stop being cruel to one another all because of Ego, Stupidity, Nothing or something about what someone said, all because of nothing.
Why drag a person down to a place that makes them feel shit, makes them beg, for what?
Who wants to beg to be treated so poorly?
I don’t, do YOU? (ps, I am a little angry atm, so if it looks like I am repeating my words, well I am…)
Far out, I would hate to have my own opinion on my own Sexuality, SHIT, at least my son found out he is gay.. for me, jesus who would bloody well, know.. everyone else seems to be more superior than FRAN…
FUCK this for a joke… I am sick and tired of everything directing to ME for what reason?
Go for a flying fuck and get out of my way, because frankly, your blocking the view from behind YOU… it is called SCENERY.. not someone ELSE!!
Funny, I never cheated on anyone, I tried my damn hardest, and still I am the one that is to BLAME… shit, Give me a shovel and let me bury my own body alone.. everyone piss off and leave me alone…
Instead they make you feel less worthy that you felt way, before, well, that is crap and I wont take that anymore from anyone.
New beginnings somewhere else other than feeling bad for feeling, go figure!
Be Kinder to those that are Kind to you… it is Free and it is full of Compassion and Love XXX
The Pride of a Male is everything, all they ever want to really be is loved by their partners.
A female is much the same however, sometimes it is a little more harder to be one, for some reason through the years most women try hard to fit in, not do something that is considered rude, slutty, testy, aggressive, angry, emotional, it seems no matter how hard some us of try and fit it.. we always seem to be the top end of blame.
Back in my day my mum stayed home looked after the home, cleaned, cooked and ironed, she did everything that she was suppose to at the end of the day when her husband comes home tired, a little grumpy and not really interested in a hug or a thank you or a god your beautiful after a while she gets a little tired of never being appreciated.
Sometimes it will come out in her manner, behaviour, she will start to put on some weight and sometimes she cries, all because she is a “women”, and sometimes even if a husband is tired, worn out and not really present, they at times forget to thank that girl, women, mother and it hurts some of us and sometimes it doesn’t.
A silly arguement could be over something stupid, yet to the wife or partner the meal they cooked was done the best she could and it wasn’t to his satisfaction it saddens her.
Or she get’s angry and throws it in your face, this all depends on the years and of course the differences in the chose female you select.
We are not all the same.. however, we are used to being blamed for never quite being up to scratch of the partner that has just come home after a long day at work and all he wants to do is eat and sleep.
Both sexes are so different yet not much really that different we just got raised to have different emotions and both sides really never learned why are we treated different and why is it that the responses of one another are so much the opposite ends of the spectrum?
Most men are raised by their father to be strong providers, the husband is that top of the family imagine both being the top of the family there would be .. A riot, your not the head of the family, your a women, (funny why is everything named after a man… women, menopause, mentral period, mental case (usually us) a man eater.
I think us women do our best and they do there best, I guess this will be anever ending saga of us both a man being blokes and a Shelia’s, well, we are strong, gorgeous, dynamic human beings some of us lost our sense of what that looks like especially these days, and some couldn’t really give a flying hoot, others do the best they can and some well, they will be heard, Hear my voice I am a WOMEN, and some will just be as best as they can..
No ones perfect, yet who in god sakes needs a perfect female?
When I was 15 years old, I really felt this kind of emotion more than most I have to say it killed my soul as a child or young girl and I truly hated my experience at school and in the play ground of life.
I would everyday vomit before going to high school, I would be bullied for coming from a different nationality, having a brother that was disabled, having a different way of living life.
I still would smile and I would still love and I tried my heart out everytime I was beaten down…
Everything is going to be Okay… Nope it eventually will for now it’s about trying to adjust and live a better life without the abusive behaviour
I am hurting….
Nothing ever looks good on the inside the outside is always so shiny and pink…nothing is ever real until it is real..
Let me quote this to you, If you think your life is epic wait until you real the inside of a book before you say it looks great from the outside looking in…
Sometimes it isn’t the Movie that can sing a song of what could be… it sometimes needs someone that isn’t English and it isn’t perfect however, it is full of PASSION.
And, Guess what PASSION is EVERYTHING….. let I never remind you of this again…….. NEVER , BE, EVER, ENOUGH, FOR , ME!
I’m trying to hold my breath Let it stay this way Can’t let this moment end You set off a dream in me Getting louder now Can you hear it echoing? Take my hand Will you share this with me? ‘Cause darling, without youAll the shine of a thousand spotlights All the stars we steal from the night sky Will never be enough Never be enough Towers of gold are still too little These hands could hold the world but it’ll Never be enough Never be enoughFor me Never, never Never, never Never, for me For me Never enough Never enough Never enough For me For me For meAll the shine of a thousand spotlights All the stars we steal from the night sky Will never be enough Never be enough Towers of gold are still too little These hands could hold the world but it’ll Never be enough Never be enoughFor me Never, never Never, never Never, for me For me Never enough Never, never Never enough Never, never Never enough For me For me For meFor me
Having a sense of self-worth means that you value yourself, and having a sense of self-value means that you are worthy. … Self-worth is defined by Merriam-Webster as: “a feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect”.
Googles Term in what this means
To me it means “EVERY THING”, if we don’t then we find ourselves feeling less than, meaningless, not motivated, left to feel that we are not worth anything so we become nothing without feeling something…this is the first step in understanding ourselves better and the world around us.
We begin to talk more positively work better and productive and we start to feel empowered within ourselves this is worth more than anything that anyone can teach you.
So, have a read and watch the videos of what I am trying to explain to you especially B.F.Skinner’s video, it shows you once you give a person the idea of themselves then they become something and they reduce there feeling of nothing…
Reward a person then they feel something about themselves and this is important in whether we are children or adults we “all” need to feel good about oneself or we then become nothing, we will react in a way that isn’t positive.
Behaviourism (also called the behaviourist approach) was highly influential in psychology in the first half of the 20th century and is based on a number of key principles regarding learning and development.
Psychology as a scientific discipline. Theories should be supported with empirical data obtained through systematic measurement of behaviour.
Interest in observable behaviour, as opposed to internal mental states.
The environment is largely responsible for shaping behaviour.
New-born babies are effectively ‘tabula rasa’ (a blank slate).
It is possible to compare learning that takes place in animals with that of humans as the key principles are the same (conditioning).
Behaviour is a consequence of stimulus – response mechanisms, and all behaviour is learned through principles of conditioning.
Behaviourism refers to the study of behaviour, which is defined as any action that can be observed and recorded. Sensations, feelings and thoughts cannot be observed directly, but our actions can. Behaviourism is the theory that human behaviour can be understood by studying observable behaviour rather than by examining cognitive and emotional processes.
Learning and development is affected by many issues.
The behaviourists saw the environment as critical and tended to ignore or downplay the influence of genes or biology.
They did not agree with stage based models of learning and believed that nurture was far more important than nature.
The impact of behaviourism on psychology and counselling has been profound.
Principles of operant conditioning are everywhere, from rewards in the home to encourage good behaviour, to incentive programs in the workplace to enhance productivity.
The behavioural approach highlighted the need for systematic measurement of behaviour and offered insight into the importance of the environment on learning and development.
However, developments in cognitive theory have challenged the traditional ideas of behaviourism and forced a reappraisal of the importance of thought processes in learning.
It is also recognised that nature and nurture work in tandem and genetic influences on behaviour cannot be ignored.
Behaviour therapy is an approach to counselling based on the concepts of behaviourism. As the name suggests, it focuses on the client’s behaviour (rather than their emotions). The counsellor will work with the client to identify unwanted behaviours and help the client to change them. The counsellor and client will decide on a goal of counselling, and the role of the counsellor is then to educate and guide the client about the causes and responses that elicit the undesirable behaviour
The principles of classical conditioning are useful in counselling as they identify environmental clues that have become associated with dysfunctional behaviours. For example, for an alcoholic, it may be necessary for a client to avoid places or people associated with access to alcohol.
Operant conditioning is very useful for counsellors as it can allow rewards and punishments to either encourage of discourage behaviour..
Counsellors can foster change by providing rewards for changed behaviours. The early days of change and reward are important – especially positive rewards. These may be as simple as an SMS, a phone call or an email. Counsellors can use operant conditioning to create conducive conditions for behavioural change. Also, counsellors can benefit from the work of Thorndike in adult learning. Adults want assurance that what they are learning is relevant, concrete and reliable. The counsellor is in a unique position to provide that level of assurance – clients want ‘quick wins’ on which to build subsequent behaviours.
John B Watson (1878-1958) Watson is considered the founder of behaviourism. He believed that we are born as a blank slate or ‘tabula rasa’, and that the environment was wholly responsible for shaping our personality and development. He coined the term ‘behaviourism’ in a paper published in 1913. The behaviourist approach was an attempt to examine human behaviour from a scientific perspective, in a systematic and objective manner with no consideration of internal mental states. Only observable behaviour was deemed worthy of study, as thoughts and feelings were seen as subjective. Behaviourism sought to explain the relationships between antecedent conditions (stimuli), behaviour (responses), and consequences (rewards and punishments).
John B Watson
Edward Thorndike (1874-1949)Thorndike is well known in psychology for his seminal work in learning theory that led to the development of operant conditioning within behaviourism. Thorndike (1898) studied learning in animals (usually cats), seeking to understand through observation of their behaviour how they learned to escape from a ‘puzzle box’ that he developed.He developed a “Law of effect” which stated that any behaviour that is followed by pleasant consequences is likely to be repeated, and any behaviour followed by unpleasant consequences is likely to be stopped.
Here are some videos that help you understand what they thought worked and didn’t work
B.F. Skinner (1904-1990)
Skinner (1904–1990) refined the ideas of classical conditioning and Thorndike’s law of effect into his own theory of operant conditioning. The basic notion is that consequences will determine whether behaviour is repeated or not.
Reinforcement occurs when “a consequence strengthens a response, or makes it more likely to reoccur” (e.g. when we receive a reward for acting in a certain way).
Albert Bandura (1925- present)
Bandura believed that it is a combination of the environment, internal thought processes and behaviour that shapes people, rather than the environment alone. He extended on the theory of operant conditioning to include the active thought process that links behaviour to consequences.
One of Bandura’s main contributions to learning theory is the notion of observational learning, which is “learning that results from observing the behaviour of other people (called models)”.
The behaviour here is about watching another do a example of how to treat the doll, now when the other children were NOT shown aggression they didn’t repeat the behaviour and most did not go near the doll.
Stimulus-Response Theory and Classical Conditioning (Pavlov, Watson)
Learning theorists suggest that experience leads to development. They argue that people tend to repeat certain behaviours, and that this repetitive nature of behaviour can be explained if we understand that people gain a desired outcome from those behaviours.
However, they also note that in some cases an undesirable outcome is the result of a particular behaviour, and people can learn to decrease or eradicate that behaviour. Stimulus-Response theory is the basis for conditioning theory, which suggests that we can be conditioned to respond in a particular way to external stimuli through the process of learned association.
Stimulus: an external event that initiates behaviour
Response: refers to the behaviour that is the result of a stimulus.
Conditioning Theory: The idea that people can be conditioned to respond in a particular way to external stimuli
Learned Association: The idea that we develop a connection between a stimulus and a particular behaviour and respond the same way each time
Classical Conditioning: Refers to learning by association, which occurs when a neutral stimulus is capable of eliciting a certain involuntary response.
A Russian physiologist, Ivan Pavlov was the first to identify classical conditioning in his research with dogs.
The dogs salivated (an unconditioned response) when they were offered food (an unconditioned stimulus).
But when Pavlov began to pair the ringing of a bell (an initially neutral stimulus) with the presentation of food, he found that a learned association was being formed.
The dogs would begin to salivate in response to the bell because they had made an association between the sound of the bell and the arrival of food.
Thus, the bell had become a conditioned stimulus and the salivation a conditioned response.
This is an interesting and a little concerning that they put fear into the infant by introducing a “sound” to a rat, the infant was fine before the sound was introduced however, after the infant was then introduced to the sound, rat and became fearful of the sound that if interested slightly that terrifying sound would scare the infant… Why on earth would you create something from nothing?
Just so you ALL know after this experiment they “say they didn’t”, however, I beg to differ that they “did” continue with other children.
Conditioning a child or adult the result is the same thing.. negative teachings is BAD Teaching… this is why we should try our best to reward and praise a person no matter what age… I do understand that somethings in life is scary however, why create a fear in a infant or any person it is cruel and has a lot to do with our society as a whole.
The Little Albert experiment presents an example of how classical conditioning can be used to condition an emotional response in a child.
Prior to conditioning, the white rat was seen as a neutral stimulus.
The infant was calm and curious as he played with it.
The unconditioned stimulus was the noise, as Albert appeared already afraid of loud noises.
The sound thus led to an unconditioned response of fear.
By repeatedly pairing the rat with the noise during conditioning, the white rat became a conditioned stimulus and elicited fear from Albert.
Law of Effect (Thorndike)
Skinner’s ideas of operant conditioning (see below) were built on the work of Thorndike who developed a theory suggesting that the responses we make to stimuli or particular situations that generate a positive outcome are more likely to be repeated.
Essentially we seek to replicate desirable outcomes and avoid harmful or distressing ones.
Thorndike developed his law of effect after noticing that cats tended to work their way out of puzzle boxes in order to obtain food through a process of trial and error. The cats repeated behaviour that led to success (i.e. escape) and stopped using behaviours that led to failure.
Thorndike had a deep interest in associations and connections.
He argued that the connection between the puzzle box and the actions of the cat strengthened with each escape.
This became part of the contributory thinking to B.F. Skinner’s theory of operant conditioning.
Skinner used Thorndike’s law of effect as the starting point for developing said theory.
Thorndike specified two additional conditions (along with the law of effect) that would maximise learning. These were:
The Law of Readiness which stated that learning is more likely when individuals are motivated and perceive a purpose for the behaviour.
The Law of Exercise that stated stimulus-response associations are strengthened through repetition and practice.
Operant Conditioning (Skinner)
Skinner believed that classical conditioning was too simplistic to offer a complete explanation of human behaviour.
He believed that the best way to understand behaviour is to look at the causes of an action and its consequences.
He called this approach operant conditioning.
The idea is that consequences ‘operate’ on the behaviour to make it either more or less likely to occur.
Based on Thorndike’s earlier work, Skinner extended on the law of effect by introducing the idea of reinforcement and punishment.
Behaviour which is reinforced tends to increase and behaviour which is punished tends to decrease.
If behaviour is not reinforced at all it is eventually extinguished or becomes extinct.
Reinforcement occurs when we receive a reward of some sort when we act in a certain way, which makes it more likely that we will repeat that action.
Positive reinforcement occurs when we have a pleasant consequence to a behaviour, which is likely to strengthen our behaviour, or encourage us to repeat it (for example when a child is given praise for doing homework).
Negative reinforcement occurs when a response, or behaviour, means that we stop or avoid an unpleasant outcome (for example when a child is given a night off from doing chores for achieving a good grade)
The ‘schedule’ of reinforcement is important in determining the speed of learning and the extinction rate for a particular behaviour.
It involves varying the rate or frequency of reinforcement for a particular behaviour
There are Four (4) Basic Patterns of Reinforcement:
Fixed ratio – relies on reinforcement after a fixed number of responses (for example, a teacher offering a child a star for every second word spelled correctly)
Variable (or intermittent) ratio – relies on reinforcement after an unpredictable number of responses (e.g. gambling on poker machines)
Fixed interval – uses the reinforcer in a fixed period of time after the first response (a simple example is getting paid by the hour for work).
Variable interval – supplies the reinforcer after an unpredictable period after the first response (e.g. a self-employed person being paid at unpredictable times).
Skinner found that the type of reinforcement which produces the slowest rate of extinction (i.e. people will go on repeating the behaviour for the longest time without reinforcement) is variable-ratio reinforcement
Punishment refers to anything that follows a behaviour that causes it to decrease (and eventually stop).
Punishment may be something that is added, such as being shouted at, being given extra chores around the house, or having something taken away, such as having a favourite toy removed or being grounded to remove social contact.
Positive punishment happens when an unpleasant stimulus is added after the behaviour (e.g. reprimand from parents after teenager misses school).
Negative punishment occurs when something pleasant is taken away from the person after a particular behaviour (e.g. teenager is grounded or loses TV time)
Punishment works best when delivered immediately after the behaviour. The desired behaviour should be encouraged (or reinforced) at the same time as the unwanted behaviour is being suppressed by punishment.
Negative Effects of Punishment
Punishment does not necessarily inform a person about what they should be doing, it only tells a person what not to do
The effectiveness of particular punishments varies from one individual to another; it is not consistent.
Punishment often has unpleasant side effects; it may produce anxiety or lead to resentment.
If reinforcement is removed, the conditioned response to stimuli weakens and eventually disappears (this is known as extinction).
For example, if a child receives less and less attention for helping to tidy up until he no longer receives any recognition at all, the helping behaviour is likely to fade out entirely over time.
Be Careful of your words we tend to forget how powerful they are and they alter our state of mind.. example is “this is not going to hurt”, yet it does, so the next time someone says that, guess what?
A simple example of operant conditioning exists in the use of a star chart for children to increase positive behaviours.
For example a parent might incorporate a star chart for the child to sleep in their own bed at night.
The below chart I used for my son many years ago by rewarding my child rather than a negative state
Initially, the child would be rewarded for each successive night they manage to stay in bed (or for other naps across the day).
This would operate like a fixed-ratio schedule.
Rewards could include praise or special activities (i.e. positive reinforcement).
Over time, the schedule for reinforcement would be changed to make it progressively more difficult for the child to earn the reward (e.g. after every second night, then third, until the child has to stay in bed for a whole week before earning a reward).
Thus over time the star chart changes to become an intermittent (or variable ratio) schedule of reinforcement.
Rewards would continue to be delivered unpredictably once the star chart is phased out to sustain the behaviour over a longer period.
Social Cognitive Theory (Bandura)
Albert Bandura found the behaviourist emphasis on scientific study of observed behaviour too simplistic, when it came to explaining aggression among adolescents. His studies led him to conclude that people interact with their environment. It shapes them and they shape it. He called this process ‘reciprocal determinism’
He also concluded that a behavioural scientist cannot afford to ignore mental psychological processes. His argument was a significant departure from the foundations of behavioural psychology, with its elitist emphasis on behaviour. He considered that human personality and behaviour is the result of interaction between three (3) influences: the environment, behaviour, and psychological processes.
Bandura’s Model of Reciprocal Determinism
Albert Bandura believed that mental processes contributed in some form to behaviour. The recognition of mental processes by Bandura opened up new perspectives on how people learn. Bandura recognised that people learn through observing others’ behaviour, attitudes, and the outcomes of those behaviours. He stated that this learning came through modelling.
The modelling process begins at an early age when a mother attempts to get her child to eat solid food or to drink fluid. It is quite common for the mother to demonstrate what to do. Such observation is powerful even if the subsequent baby behaviour is imitation not actually learned. Social cognitive theory explains human behaviour in terms of continuous reciprocal interaction between cognitive, behavioural, and environmental influences.
Bandura based his ideas around four key processes that combine cognitive and operant ideas of learning
Attention — the individual notices something in the environment.
Retention — the individual remembers what was noticed.
Reproduction — the individual produces an action that is a copy of what was noticed.
Motivation — the environment delivers a consequence that changes the probability the behaviour will be emitted again (reinforcement and punishment)
This exercise is to teach you how to understand how behaviour can be a positive however, this exercise was to show you what a NEGATIVE way isn’t the right way, right?
You tell me what you think?
Remember we humans are NOT PERFECT, we are here on this earth to be as imperfect and as human as we can be… which means we “all” make mistakes, sometimes it is the only thing we know how to be..
We only know what we know, until we are taught something different, so teach sometime more productive, because frankly, we need to be in a more positive state that what this world is in at the moment, right?
Remember next time at a Party & your speaking to another person see if they are Logical or Emotional or both?
This might help you understand sometimes we find it difficult to adjust to another type of personality and we forget that perhaps we could struggle with understanding so quickly or perhaps sometimes even get a little offended due to changing to another person within a party environment.
Here below is what I am referring too:
When a person is Emotional Based Personality they find it difficult to understand why others don’t connect with them easily. For example if I was speaking to a Logical personality based person I would struggle to understand why they are not on the same page.
So, it would take quite some time to explain things to a logical person it can be done however, expect the conversation to be rather long and lengthy on both sides of the spectrum.
Emotional stability or neuroticism is one of the five personality traits of the Big Five personality theory. Emotional stability refers to a person’s ability to remain stable and balanced. At the other end of the scale, a person who is high in neuroticism has a tendency to easily experience negative emotions.
So, this is why Educated, Logical people love talking to like-minded others who are the same thinkers they speak about patterns, graphs, how things are put together, this conversation runs rather smoothly.
However, if a Logical personality speaks to a Emotional based personality it will take time and the same with a person who can do two types Logic conversation to a person who speaks emotional, this also can take a little time to adjust for a person who just spoke to another different type of thinker.
Logicians are known for their brilliant theories and unrelenting logic – in fact, they are considered the most logically precise of all the personality types. They love patterns, and spotting discrepancies between statements could almost be described as a hobby, making it a bad idea to lie to a Logician.
And if you’re ever not clear on your partner’s boundaries, just ask! And if you’re still unclear, well, ask again, until you are clear, it isn’t right to try something and find your hurting the person because it will hurt yourself and those that you include in your life.
Questions like “Is this okay?”
“Are you cool with this?”can help jumpstart the conversation.
if you don’t want to talk about your boundaries with your partner because you’re afraid they’ll react with anger or violence, that’s a warning sign that your relationship might be unhealthy or abusive.
Healthy vs. unhealthy boundaries
How do you know if a boundary is healthy…or not?
It’s important to recognize that healthy boundaries help to protect and respect you; an unhealthy boundary seeks to control or harm someone else. A healthy boundary would be:
“I need space to hang out with my friends and do things I enjoy on my own.”
But if your partner says, “I need you to stop talking to other guys/girls because you might cheat/I get jealous,” that’s not a healthy boundary;
it’s a warning sign that your partner may have some trust issues and is trying to control who you hang out with.
It’s normal for boundaries to shift as we gain more life experience or get more comfortable in our relationships.
We might not be okay with something at the beginning of a relationship, but we might be totally cool with it a few months down the line.
On the other hand, we might realize something crosses a boundary for us after experiencing it for the first time.
Every person has the right to change their mind about what their boundaries are at any time.
What’s important is that you’re communicating any boundary changes to your partner and you’re making changes because YOU want to, not because you’re being pressured, forced or manipulated into making them.
You deserve to be safe and respected, and boundaries play a big part in creating healthy relationships that let you be YOU.
If you still have questions about setting your own boundaries, we can help you think through them.
Lifeline 13 11 14 Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
To clearly understand your true self you must invest time and care in YOURSELF, if you don’t then how can you clearly truly see what is real and what is around you.
Once the clutter is gone you start to see something change your eyes become wider, your thoughts become clearer, and then you become happier with YOU.
Life is short however, it can impale you if you allow it too, you will find as time passes you by and people keep hurting you over and over something about you starts to hibernate, I will call it that because nothing dies until you are really dead.
So, to bring yourself back to life you must allow yourself to feel vulnerable, and allow yourself the freedom to decide what you want first, then you can see if you truly fit with whatever that maybe.
Always remember when growth comes then understanding and then change, everything shifts.
Thank you, lovely gal
Life is about being Authentic and honest and true and YOU
Really interesting song and lyrics, its like put one face on and remove it… place another face on then take it off.. What does it mean? Means many things it means we put so many masks on for so many different people we meet, know, and even new people so many levels of life really. […]
I wrote this a while ago trying to understand what I was going through and this blog and song tells a bit of a story about exactly what I felt at the time however, I could not express it or really put the pieces together.
It is worth a listen – follow the wording it might paint a bit of a picture of how confusing and on the dot I felt at that time.
I talk about what I go through because I believe or hope that I may help someone out there in this world of the Internet, I do it freely because I am able to talk about it too you.
I have had amazing days, some sad because of my dear Dad, some a little confusing because I had not seen a friend in a long time and my wording must have hindered him, as he walked away not happy.
However, these moments are all important because they are about learning about yourself and seeing how it lands in others that have their own views and that is okay.
I guess it is how you handle it at the end of the day, Traumatic events happen to most people it does not spot you in a crowd or perhaps in some cases it does.
When you do go through them it can take years many years for anyone to be affected, it took me years in fact only in the last 4 years I become symptomatic to words, feelings, sudden frozen moments, outbursts of anger, outbursts of fear and huge lows of sorrow and most of all a heaviness that left me feeling, panicked and scared to death of what is the feeling I am going through.. and the heaviness of sadness and sorrow and pain I had not felt for many years..
The hardest moments was me remembering things that I had totally forgotten, some good, some revolting and some I would rather not mention, it felt like a “roller coaster”, I was going up and god help me when I came down smashing my entire soul and loosing all those valuable beautiful strengths that I had and I was so proud of.
I was the most Horrific Reflections of my life, and I thank god, that they have subsided down to a lower level so I can manage them.
Let me explain – trust me once I could not even go here .. because part of the process is reflecting, remembering and then quickly letting it go, and it was not as easy as it looks like or sounds like.
So, I would reflect to a moment in my past, that it felt that I was there and suddenly, I was, my surroundings where the same as it is now.. however, the emotions of my mind was back when I was a little girl or suddenly it was when I was date raped or something silly like not being hugged enough and told that someone you love loved you back.
For me some moments I had to be present in them and it was like I was there, fear appeared, trust faded, I would feel this intense anger, hostility, aggression of me shouting, screaming, crying and at times I would hit back at anything that came near me because someone hurt me so bad, that it crushed my inner soul to the point of defending myself and I would by any means possible.
A mind set like that is definately dangerous to myself and those I care about that could be around me and it wasn’t kind, it was cruel and it hurt me very much because what you don’t know is I felt alone, again.
The “alone time” was my entire life span of protecting me and my son, or me and just me when he wasn’t around that god!
Once I realised I was doing this alone, did I scream, I screamed and fell to the ground crying so hard that I could not breath, tears pouring down my face in agony and me saying to myself, “why am I going through this again, what is it about me that I have to punish, hurt, and go through the mind fucking, the harshness of hatred that I felt for myself and the endless moments of despair that I had forgotten”.
PTSD, is one HELL of a Shit a bullshit and disgusting state to have and sometimes I had it for over many weeks and suddenly, it was like oh my gosh, I have just woken up, however, OMG, I am so sorry for the damage that I may have said to someone or hurt someone I loved, and I did, many times.
I felt ashamed, I felt like I was the worst human being on this planet and I felt alone and so damn sorry for anyone that got in my mindset at the time because everyone wasnt safe…
I had to keep away from my family my husband would run away and my friends my god I could not even talk to a single soul when my Trauma grew and something triggered it by saying or acting or behaving in the same manner as the person or in my case many people made me feel once, twice maybe many times more than a hand full of fingers.
It wasn’t easy to escape the insanity of my mind and the continual degrading feeling of every emotion that made me scared, feared for my life, I wanted to run away, I wanted to hurt myself and I wanted to die.
I had to get to rock bottom and I did no bloody lie, and when I discovered how much pain and how many times I was let down and hurt by many I came up with a number and the number was 9, Fuck!
I said, I was hurt 9 times, it took me a few days to get the courage to do a time line on butchers paper, and thankfully this will sound stupid one person hurt me many, many times.
And because that ONE person did, finally, I let that go and said, thank god!
Once I realised I was saying that I went, you poor girl, you sad little girl, I was so sad for myself, that I was on the ground and I cried and cried and cried until I couldnt cry anymore.
That memory is fading and it doesn’t hurt me anymore because I can talk about it, however, it was that moment I realised that this feeling wasnt going away until I learned how to stop my mind from going back…
That was hard, that was difficult and that was terrifying… imagine thinking that your state of mind was back and how the fuck do you know when it would leave.
That was terrifying to me.. the emotion was real and I was fucked, my pain was excruciating to say the least.
It took me 4 years I think my timeline is a little out and that number might change however, it felt like years… all I can say now… is I can let it go within a day…now.. not a week or a month a day…
Still however, it hurts and it hurts alot, because I feel so ashamed…of myself and how I react to it and what I do when I am in that state…
Such despair… so embarrassed so sorry to those that I hurt…along the way it isn’t me, it is someone that once was and is no more, fingers crossed.
Don’t be scared of me.. it hurts me when I see people scared of me..
So, listen carefully, if you want to cure the cause you must be real with me, no lies, no hiding, no denial, total honesty.
The reason why is because that was the cause of my pain never knowing what was real, who cared enough, they have to show me how much, they have to say the words of what they feel no bull shit and no lies, once that is done OWN IT, and never stop being present because my emotions need your emotions of how much you care about yourself, your feelings your honesty then and only then I will be able to be me again.
Love and honesty and being your authentic selves I can be too.
Mask on… Mask off, I will put a blog That will explain it better later.
Click onto the link below it will take you to a blog I wrote a while ago when my mind was flipping out
When a person goes through any type of distress we must be mindful, never to harm a persons mind again, we are only human so if you expect perfection guess what I am not that person you need to know.
I come from a good place and I have always come from a good place, so anyone that wishes to disrespect that about me well they have no space at my table, got it, thank you, for your time to read my blog.
Here is a true story about what people think and what is real…
Well, what it means is if you never got validated as a child from one of your parents, what is created within you is you end up feeling, well, what is wrong with me? Why don’t you believe what I say? What is it that you think my experience should be?
Try to listen and try to understand that just because I don’t agree with your thoughts doesn’t mean you’re wrong, be careful, someone’s experience will always be there experience.. NOT YOURS..
Which means we cannot rate a trauma by saying, well, you got hurt once, okay, well I got hurt 9 times… I WIN, right?
Well, in fact No Wrong, Everyone’s Feelings, everyone’s experiences, effect them differently to your feelings, your experiences and your trauma..
If you ask a person a question .. you must wait… wait for that person to finish, if they offend you, perhaps they are trying to get a sentence out and communicate to you.. they are not saying your wrong they are just telling you an answer to your question…
I don’t believe we intentionally hurt each other when we connect to others we connect on a level that is positive and always from a good place.. What we forget is.. when we don’t talk for years and years, we all do change and because we change we have to remind ourselves that change can and will shock you and sometimes hurt you… it is something that YOU go through because you are YOU.. and that is okay..
And sometimes what we don’t realise that our wording could be sharp, cutting, directive and very powerful, this would occur if isolate yourself, which was exactly what has happened with me.”
The Impact of Invalidation I think is a positive, I did actually think alot about this mainly because of the silent treatment which was something that my childhood hindered.. sometimes even you reading this.. may not understand how it hurt me so much…
To go silent – this was used a lot and it made me feel that I was not worthy of being in that space…
When you read things like Impaths… your reading about people who feel deeply, love deeply, their emotions are very present and they will tell you the truth and if you don’t believe them… it hinders their soul…
Sounds a little over sensitive, however, so what, when you are young we learn how to understand this, sometimes when we are not told something like how much we love our beautiful girl, never heard that sentence ever.
So, when my son was born I made sure of a few things, I never hit my boy, I tried hard to sit him down and talk to him, I would always, always hug, kiss and make sure he was told and felt he was loved…
The hurt began again when I was told that I wasn’t a nice mother, that I wasn’t worthy of being a mother and that broke my soul, I was shattered, nothing on the Earth was more damaging then that day, when he never returned and I found out what it was… and I lost my legs and broke into two pieces..
I don’t know if you understand that type of emotion, loosing your legs, it is like the life went out from under me and my entire body broke and fell to the ground hard… I then lost my voice as I could not speak, which then made my hands shake uncontrollably, and I was really in a bad state that day many years ago..
To be told that I was not a good person, which I was, no doubt about that, and not to be believed or even validated for ANYTHING, that was like you took my entire life and said, your worth nothing.. to no-one..
This emotion was all because of my thoughts, feelings, experiences and many other areas of my childhood that I found difficult, hard, scary and to be honest no one ever really asked me if I was okay, how I was doing or even thought that Fifi, may not be coping well.
We where told to shut up and sit there, our voices where told we where too young to understand, and that we should do as we are told, and we did, however, I was the youngest and my brother was disabled and I didn’t understand why… it was that simple…
I felt responsible for him being disabled and I never, ever thought of my own brother having a disability, I just thought he was my older brother.. that was all I knew, and to be honest I preferred that..
Because Charlie and I really did have a great friendship regardless of stupid disabilities that parents or Doctors thought…
We all are different levels of how that truly feels, I was so emotional, everything effected me however, what devistated me was the anger and hostility that I had created within a parent that I adored and that was horrible especially when I noticed every moment I was told I was a horrible, child, I was told that I will amount to nothing, I was told I was stupid, and I was told that I didn’t matter, well, that is how it made me feel…
The Baby Boomers…. that was our ERA….
Invalidation is denying or ignoring a person’s emotional experience and communicating that their thoughts or feelings are not valid or wrong.
Invalidation hurts the most when you feel like people are not listening to you, misunderstanding or minimizing what you are saying, or you feel that you are being ignored.
Invalidation as a child or adult can come from family members, teachers, friends, people you work with, or your partner.
Invalidation, when used as manipulation by others, can be abusive and lead to damaging effects such as low self-esteem, depression, reliance on others, anxiety, and self-harm. –
However, not all invalidation is malicious.
People may unconsciously invalidate others because they are uncomfortable with emotions, they want you to feel better quickly, they do not understand you or why you feel a certain way, or they could just lack the skills to validate someone. –
Invalidation may hurt but it is not always unwarranted.
Sometimes invalidation is used as a way to challenge you to change and grow.
Before reacting defensively to invalidation you need to determine if the person’s comments are valid or not.
You can do this by examining all of the evidence.
Who is the person who made the comment?
Is this someone you trust their judgment?
Does this person usually make invalidating comments that are not warranted?
Take a step back from the situation and analyze it closely before you respond. –
One step in healing from a lifetime of unwarranted invalidation is to learn about how to validate yourself and others and to respond to invalidation in a healthy way.
Learn to give yourself self-compassion and start exploring and identifying how you really feel rather than relying on the words of others. Only you know how you feel.
Engaging in self-care and finding healthy and supportive people in your life is a good step in recovering from invalidation.
Remember we only know what we know until we learn to listen and let it go….
Understand that everyone is unique and has their own story or version, we are not perfect humans, we are only human..
And sometimes we misunderstand or perhaps we are too hurt to allow ourselves or perhaps our minds are not mature enough to understand why parents say nasty things, it is funny, if I asked them, they would say, what are you talking about, your too soft, your over reacting.
You see they only know what their parents taught them.. so cut them some slack a bit…or not… not everything is forgivable.. that depends on you I guess…
For me.. Forgiveness is the key to happiness… so it is water under a bridge now… and I love my parents and grandparents even though they are odd balls and very weird and have the worst way of expressing their love for you… oh well, so what…I am fine.. I was a kid and I must admit sometimes they are right.. go figure.. I was a shit of a kid…
We really underestimate the therapy of “Music”, it truly does soothe the soul, it takes you to “highs”, “lows”, it snaps you out of your state.
It can take you away on a beautiful holiday or if your like me I would take a bath and relax to something that soothes me.. or perhaps use it when I am working on Study and I need a good shake of the cage to get me motivated.
It’s amazing when you want to have you know…. S E X , LIFE, WORK, LOVE, Heart ACHE, HURT and it can give you something back which is something inside you and you ALONE….
Even just to get ready to go out at night it just gets something in your mind and it takes you to a place that makes you go, oh yeah, baby, I am going to have a good night tonight!
It also makes you cry, sad, takes you to a place that you need to help or not sometimes, however, mostly what music does it helps us in everyway.
Music is the ART to a Happier state of MIND….
Oxia – Domino (Phaxe & Morten Granau Remix)
Positive state of Mind…..
I found this one a while ago… It was for my husband before he’s such a alternative type of guy…. and it can help me too…
I adore music that sets your mind on fire….
When you are feeling a little down and this “all depends on the person”, be very careful that you don’t put something on that changes your state to a extremely low state, this isn’t good for your mind, body and soul.
GeoM – Holding On ( Dimitris Athanasiou Remix )
The above song is about letting go however, the tone isn’t depressing and it monitones your state of mind and if you listen to the high’s it keeps you at a good state rather than a depressing state.
Even though I am not in this state the below song is about saying I am Strong yet I want you to know I can do it alone state (hehehe)
Here is one of my favorites
As you can understand Music is your own and OWN IT, always remember becareful what you feed your mind… just like what the song says above.
The words are important so next time listen to the words… or get a music video that has words… read them and you tell me if you see or feel differently?
And enjoy your music it is important… and be HAPPY okay 🙂
Here is a story about a person I know that has an amazing heart and soul he is truly one of the most loveliest blokes you will ever meet in your life.
You know when you think we have a bad past or perhaps we think, come on seriously can it get any worse than this?
Sometimes before we know what hits us it can look like a “lightening bolt”, that hits a person straight between the eyes with a metal bullet.
Imagine your past parents arguing with one another and “you” being a boy stuck in the middle of things trying to make end meet and have friends and by loyal and love them like no other.
That would have kept any man sane, right?
Then for whatever reason which to me is beyond my thoughts people turn their back on good people, it isnt about being right or wrong it is about being supportive and loyal and real and beautiful and having all these amazing attributes about being a decent human being like this man I know so damn well.
For some reason life can give you a lucky break and you walk away with other like-minded good people which he did… he has a great best friend and his loyalty with him is second to none and I love them for it..
Never mark my words on that one…
Then something horrible happens to this brilliant young, creative, beautiful person and someone or more than one or two or three or even four people decide to put something in his drink or whichever and suddenly his whole life changes…. it was like a light went off in his head and everything after that night… never was the same again…
We change because we need too.. however, sometimes when we change we then bring a bit of hurt with us… more than before, much more than any befores and time is one bastard let me tell you…
Life on the surface looks great, nothing has really changed, however, something I believe did change…
His whole being changed inside him… it was like someone took the wind out of his wings and they failed him, however, his best mate, well, he was steadfast, he could do harm to him because really his friend was gentle like him and he knew that he couldn’t hurt him.
And he never did hurt him, ever…
However, time hurt him, and our minds can be our bloody hard on us mere humans and sometimes it comes out, it comes out only to those that he knew deep down and didn’t know and probably will argue with me with all his might saying that is stupid thing to say…
Or is it.. stupid that is…
Funny things change us … keeps our heart intact.. makes sure we don’t get hurt again and suddenly you decide to become something else… nothing will hurt me… nothing will harm me… and nothing will penetrate my armour that I have created for me…
All because of a few stupid idiotic simple men that just couldn’t help but, be cruel, put the icying on the cake so to speak and time just waited a little bit more… harder the surface became… in fact can you crack it?
Maybe… and maybe not.. that is up to him…
But, for me it was different, it felt that my life was changed, it felt that I had to prove to him what trust was to him, what hurt was to him, what others did to him, had to be through me…
Well, he might say that is rubbish however, he isn’t me, and mark my words, I understand why and I understand his anger, his hostility and his mistrust.. yet, for me I could never hurt him because I loved him
Life is somewhat harsh and beautiful things do hurt us even when they shouldn’t but, they do… and they hurt with quite sharp bits and they can be pointy…
Becareful what we forget what breaks us… because sometimes those little big things are the sharpest tools in the bloody shed…
Never put a lethal drug in someones drink, food whatever, because maybe just maybe these little things that are MASSIVE can distort our perception of what is real… and what isn’t now.
Of course, what do I know… I am just a mere pain in the ass, however, loving and caring after 22 years…
So, I say this I love you with all my heart and soul and I thank your “solid mate”, who I am indetted too.. with all my heart and soul…
Both are worth it… and I am sorry for what occurred in the past.. for all of us.. we are not as bad as some would think.. however, who else do you think is going to cop the shit.. at the end of the day…
Not them, right?
US…me…. you…. him….. however never them.. right?
Thank you for being his best mate… your his saving grace mate… I am just collateral damage… which I am fine with…I am just a little tired and a little tired of being that little one that gets a little hurt…
Anyway, just a thought of mine.. nothing serious… just thoughts out of my silly little mind….
I do love you…. just saying and I would never hurt you or him for that matter…
Thank you from me xx Oh yes, Thank you GOOGLE for finding him… for us…. xxxx
pssst..we should have done a Dinner like you said, give back what they took from him perhaps… who knows love… I really don’t get why people do what they do… maybe because they know no better….. what is your thoughts?
I must admit he did make amazing efforts in trying to understand the stages of each learning and growing stage of us being humans.
It is a testament to Freud’s mind to know that whether you agree, disagree, or are ambivalent about his theory, it remains as a theoretical cornerstone in his field of expertise.
Human Personality: The adult personality emerges as a composite of early childhood experiences, based on how these experiences are consciously and unconsciously processed within human developmental stages, and how these experiences shape the personality.
Not every person completes the necessary tasks of every developmental stage. When they don’t, the results can be a mental condition requiring psychoanalysis to achieve proper functioning.
Stages of Development
Believing thatmost human suffering is determined during childhood development, Freud placed emphasis on the five stages of psychosexual development. As a child passes through these stages unresolved conflicts between physical drives and social expectation may arise.
These stages are:
Oral (0 – 1.5 years of age): Fixation on all things oral. If not satisfactorily met there is the likelihood of developing negative oral habits or behaviors.
Anal (1.5 to 3 years of age): As indicated this stage is primarily related to developing healthy toilet training habits.
Phallic (3 – 5 year of age): The development of healthy substitutes for the sexual attraction boys and girls have toward a parent of the opposite gender.
Latency (5 – 12 years of age): The development of healthy dormant sexual feelings for the opposite sex.
Genital (12 – adulthood): All tasks from the previous four stages are integrated into the mind allowing for the onset of healthy sexual feelings and behaviors.
Go Sigmund Freud….
It is during these stages of development that the experiences are filtered through the three levels of the human mind.
It is from these structures and the inherent conflicts that arise in the mind that personality is shaped.
According to Freud while there is an interdependence among these three levels, each level also serves a purpose in personality development.
Within this theory the ability of a person to resolve internal conflicts at specific stages of their development determines future coping and functioning ability as a fully-mature adult.
Here are two videos that might help you understand or me for that matter better 🙂
In other words the Devil is on your shoulder….he made me do it…
It wasn’t me… the devil made me do it… nope it was you and you alone…at the end of each day an experience is just that… it is what you try and adjustify what that is to you… or your morality that is.. Remember that next time you dip your wick into the cookie jar… naughty, naughty…
Let’s stop a moment and really look at what we do to ourselves, our partners, our friends, our family…
If you want a Extraordinary experience then please do it .. however, do it gracefully, do it with honesty, do it was gusto… and never do something that you are ashamed of or perhaps never do something that regret and shame has any part in your experiences..
Do it because it feels amazing… and the experience that your experiencing is amazing… that is a story I want to read.. don’t YOU?
Life is about living a beautiful life not a silly life made of nothing.. so live your life and OWN it.. be truthful to yourself and OWN it… STOP the Bullshit and Bloody well OWN it….
Watch this video and you tell me what you think??
Freud created the disciplines called psychoanalysis which studies the Unconscious mind.
What Freud did he created a technic called free association – Say the frist thing that comes into your head without concious filters.
Goal is to get the client to unconsciously process the mind to say things without the conscious mind using the basic instincts of what you really mean.
Very clever to say the least.
He also had a notion which I might say is on the dot… – to identy your true feelings, desires and worst if you wish to use that word through analyzing the content of the dream.
HERE ARE OUR EGO’S…
The ID – is your natural impulses for example: going to the toilet, eating, thirst, hunger, sex. This is called – THE PLEASURE PRINCIPLE
The you have the
Super ego – Which is our moral compass so to speak – this is where we do as what society wants us to do in any situation.
The Super Ego is where we stop ourselves from doing something that society doesn’t necessarily like so we use this part of our minds to stop ourselves from doing something risky, naughty, wrong, morally standard from what we should feel… I would call this the feeling terminator…
Ego – The reality Principle – this is where we use the ID and the Super ego to compromise both, to make an excuse to say, this is the part where we think hard and go well really is this so bad?
Sometimes we get a little confused and think it’s okay to use both which in sometimes it is okay and no one gets hurt or perhaps it’s like saying if I go to the gym I can eat a little bit of sweets because I have worked out… so the Superego compromises.
Then there are others that may follow more the Id and they live their life being happy using the above principle or perhaps some would rather be set in society and follow the Ego and stick to that idea.. Or then you have the Super ego which some people follow that… or that use a bit of each or two or three or even just the one…
Something to think about right?
Freud calls it impulses it can be said it isnt just impulse it is about how your emotions and feelings are.. so this is something also to think about when we talk about Ego’s.
Now I suggest you watch the above video it does explain it too you.. very insightful indeed…
Freud maybe a little out of touch however, I do believe he may have been correct when he uses these concepts to explain what we as humans are like in real life..
What is your thoughts on this ?
We are only human and even if we do eat that piece of cake or have that extra wine or perhaps do something a little naughty or risky, always remember if you do something always do it so no one gets hurt including yourself…
This is extremely important hurting someone including yourself isn’t healthy nor is it right for you or those you are hurting because at the end of the day it can hurt someone including you…
Remember folks the Grass is never greener.. and if it is ask… before you enter…. you might find it is just bloody well green … at least you did the right thing… RIGHT :}
When you get to middle age you must look after yourselves, Covid19, isn’t funny nor is it something to make fun at or say oh, well, we still got it… guess what anyone that lives in this world thinking that smoking, drinking, taking drugs and stupid idiotic stupidity needs their head read… SERIOUSLY, life isn’t going to get easier, nor are we going to get younger… so Smarten up and grow up… me included…. got it?
Life goes on and loved ones leave and loved ones die we never get to truly tell people how we truly feel until it is too late.
So, this is the final bit for me with feeling sorrow and sadness and feeling lost and stuck, I am fine, so with that I leave you with this song.
Trauma is real
If you think it was easy getting here imagine how easy it will to get yourself out of here… think about that for a while…
Imagine life without feeling, touching, loving, dreaming, if you hold onto your life as you see it… now… is that fair on you….
So, take a chance on yourself and do what you should do.. for you… what is life if you can’t at least try… or at least give yourself a chance to feel something other than nothing….
Trauma can be fixed with determination, love, support and god damn yourself… so get off your ass and fix you… because no other bloody person is going too….
So, help yourself, you survived so now try and live your life better and happier and give yourself a bit of a break… never say never….
Trauma is something someone did to someone and it wasn’t right however, it can be mended with time and most of all love…. so fix yourself… ask for help or look for like-minded others that have successfully done so and do it… okay….. do it for you!!!
Life is as hard as you want to make it… so make life better for you….
What you’ll learn to do: define human development and identify the stages of human development
In 1964, researchers and filmmakers began a fascinating and landmark documentary series known as the UP Series.
The UK-based Granada’s World in Action team, inspired by the Jesuit maxim, “Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man,” interviewed a diverse group of seven-year-old children from all over England.
In the first film, called “Seven Up!,” they asked seven-year-old children about their lives, dreams, and fears for the future.
Michael Apted, a researcher for the original film, has returned to interview these individuals every seven years since then, at ages 14, 21, 28, 35, 42, 49, 56 and now at age 63.
This video gives a nice overview of the series (through the lens of a film analysis of what makes it so successful and engaging).
What you’ll learn to do: define human development and identify the stages of human development
What aspects of ourselves change and develop as we journey through life?
We move through significant physical, cognitive, and psychosocial changes throughout our lives—do these changes happen in a systematic way, and to everyone?
How much is due to genetics and how much is due to environmental influences and experiences (both within our personal control and beyond)?
Is there just one course of development or are there many different courses of development?
In this module, we’ll examine these questions and learn about the major stages of development and what kind of developmental tasks and transitions we might expect along the way.
Describe human development and its three domains: physical, cognitive, and psychosocial development
Explain key human development issues about the nature of change: continuous/discontinuous, one course/multiple courses, and nature/nurture
Describe the basic periods of human development
Defining Human Development
Figure 1. Human development encompasses the physical, cognitive, and psychosocial changes that occur throughout a lifetime.
Human development refers to the physical, cognitive, and psychosocial development of humans throughout the lifespan.
What types of development are involved in each of these three domains, or areas, of life?
Physical development involves growth and changes in the body and brain, the senses, motor skills, and health and wellness.
Cognitive development involves learning, attention, memory, language, thinking, reasoning, and creativity.
Psychosocial development involves emotions, personality, and social relationships.
Many of us are familiar with the height and weight charts that pediatricians consult to estimate if babies, children, and teens are growing within normative ranges of physical development.
We may also be aware of changes in children’s fine and gross motor skills, as well as their increasing coordination, particularly in terms of playing sports.
But we may not realize that physical development also involves brain development, which not only enables childhood motor coordination but also greater coordination between emotions and planning in adulthood, as our brains are not done developing in infancy or childhood.
Physical development also includes puberty, sexual health, fertility, menopause, changes in our senses, and primary versus secondary aging.
Healthy habits with nutrition and exercise are also important at every age and stage across the lifespan.
If we watch and listen to infants and toddlers, we can’t help but wonder how they learn so much so fast, particularly when it comes to language development.
Then as we compare young children to those in middle childhood, there appear to be huge differences in their ability to think logically about the concrete world around them.
Cognitive development includes mental processes, thinking, learning, and understanding, and it doesn’t stop in childhood.
Adolescents develop the ability to think logically about the abstract world (and may like to debate matters with adults as they exercise their new cognitive skills!).
Moral reasoning develops further, as does practical intelligence—wisdom may develop with experience over time.
Memory abilities and different forms of intelligence tend to change with age.
Brain development and the brain’s ability to change and compensate for losses is significant to cognitive functions across the lifespan, too.
Development in this domain involves what’s going on both psychologically and socially.
Early on, the focus is on infants and caregivers, as temperament and attachment are significant.
As the social world expands and the child grows psychologically, different types of play and interactions with other children and teachers become important.
Psychosocial development involves emotions, personality, self-esteem, and relationships.
Peers become more important for adolescents, who are exploring new roles and forming their own identities.
Dating, romance, cohabitation, marriage, having children, and finding work or a career are all parts of the transition into adulthood.
Psychosocial development continues across adulthood with similar (and some different) developmental issues of family, friends, parenting, romance, divorce, remarriage, blended families, caregiving for elders, becoming grandparents and great grandparents, retirement, new careers, coping with losses, and death and dying.
As you may have already noticed, physical, cognitive, and psychosocial development are often interrelated, as with the example of brain development.
We will be examining human development in these three domains in detail throughout the modules in this course, as we learn about infancy/toddlerhood, early childhood, middle childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle adulthood, and late adulthood development, as well as death and dying.
Who Studies Human Development and Why?
Many academic disciplines contribute to the study of development and this type of course is offered in some schools as psychology (particularly as developmental psychology); in other schools, it is taught under sociology, human development, or family studies.
This multidisciplinary course is made up of contributions from researchers in the areas of health care, anthropology, nutrition, child development, biology, gerontology, psychology, and sociology, among others.
Consequently, the stories provided are rich and well-rounded and the theories and findings can be part of a collaborative effort to understand human lives.
The main goals of those involved in studying human development are to describe and explain changes.
Throughout this course, we will describe observations during development, then examine how theories provide explanations for why these changes occur.
For example, you may observe two-year-old children to be particularly temperamental, and researchers offer theories to explain why that is.
We’ll learn a lot more about theories, especially developmental theories, in the next module.
Key Issues in Human Development
There are many different theoretical approaches regarding human development.
As we evaluate them in this course, recall that human development focuses on how people change, and the approaches address the nature of change in different ways:
Is the change smooth or uneven (continuous versus discontinuous)?
Is this pattern of change the same for everyone, or are there different patterns of change (one course of development versus many courses)?
How do genetics and environment interact to influence development (nature versus nurture)?
Is Development Continuous or Discontinuous?
Continuous development views development as a cumulative process, gradually improving on existing skills (Figure 2).
With this type of development, there is a gradual change. Consider, for example, a child’s physical growth: adding inches to their height year by year.
In contrast, theorists who view development as discontinuous believe that development takes place in unique stages and that it occurs at specific times or ages.
With this type of development, the change is more sudden, such as an infant’s ability to demonstrate awareness of object permanence (which is a cognitive skill that develops toward the end of infancy, according to Piaget’s cognitive theory—more on that theory in the next module).
Is There One Course of Development or Many?
Is development essentially the same, or universal, for all children (i.e., there is one course of development) or does development follow a different course for each child, depending on the child’s specific genetics and environment (i.e., there are many courses of development)?
Do people across the world share more similarities or more differences in their development?
How much do culture and genetics influence a child’s behavior?
Stage theories hold that the sequence of development is universal.
For example, in cross-cultural studies of language development, children from around the world reach language milestones in a similar sequence (Gleitman & Newport, 1995).
Infants in all cultures coo before they babble.
They begin babbling at about the same age and utter their first word around 12 months old.
Yet we live in diverse contexts that have a unique effect on each of us. For example, researchers once believed that motor development followed one course for all children regardless of culture.
However, childcare practices vary by culture, and different practices have been found to accelerate or inhibit the achievement of developmental milestones such as sitting, crawling, and walking (Karasik, Adolph, Tamis-LeMonda, & Bornstein, 2010).
For instance, let’s look at the Aché society in Paraguay. They spend a significant amount of time foraging in forests.
While foraging, Aché mothers carry their young children, rarely putting them down in order to protect them from getting hurt in the forest. Consequently, their children walk much later:
They walk around 23–25 months old, in comparison to infants in Western cultures who begin to walk around 12 months old.
However, as Aché children become older, they are allowed more freedom to move about, and by about age 9, their motor skills surpass those of U.S. children of the same age:
Aché children are able to climb trees up to 25 feet tall and use machetes to chop their way through the forest (Kaplan & Dove, 1987).
As you can see, our development is influenced by multiple contexts, so the timing of basic motor functions may vary across cultures.
However, the functions are present in all societies.
How Do Nature and Nurture Influence Development?
Are we who we are because of nature (biology and genetics), or are we who we are because of nurture (our environment and culture)?
This longstanding question is known in psychology as the nature versus nurture debate.
It seeks to understand how our personalities and traits are the product of our genetic makeup and biological factors, and how they are shaped by our environment, including our parents, peers, and culture.
For instance, why do biological children sometimes act like their parents—is it because of genetics or because of early childhood environment and what the child has learned from their parents?
What about children who are adopted—are they more like their biological families or more like their adoptive families?
And how can siblings from the same family be so different?
We are all born with specific genetic traits inherited from our parents, such as eye color, height, and certain personality traits.
Beyond our basic genotype, however, there is a deep interaction between our genes and our environment.
Our unique experiences in our environment influence whether and how particular traits are expressed, and at the same time, our genes influence how we interact with our environment (Diamond, 2009; Lobo, 2008).
There is a reciprocal interaction between nature and nurture as they both shape who we become, but the debate continues as to the relative contributions of each.
Periods of Human Development
Think about the lifespan and make a list of what you would consider the basic periods of development. How many periods or stages are on your list? Perhaps you have three: childhood, adulthood, and old age. Or maybe four: infancy, childhood, adolescence, and adulthood. Developmentalists often break the lifespan into eight stages:
Infancy and Toddlerhood
In addition, the topic of “Death and Dying” is usually addressed after late adulthood since overall, the likelihood of dying increases in later life (though individual and group variations exist). Death and dying will be the topic of our last module, though it is not necessarily a stage of development that occurs at a particular age.
The list of the periods of development reflects unique aspects of the various stages of childhood and adulthood that will be explored in this book, including physical, cognitive, and psychosocial changes. So while both an 8-month-old and an 8-year-old are considered children, they have very different motor abilities, cognitive skills, and social relationships. Their nutritional needs are different, and their primary psychological concerns are also distinctive. The same is true of an 18-year-old and an 80-year-old, both considered adults. We will discover the distinctions between being 28 or 48 as well. But first, here is a brief overview of the stages.
Figure 4. An embryo at 8 weeks of development.
Conception occurs and development begins. There are three stages of prenatal development: germinal, embryonic, and fetal periods. All of the major structures of the body are forming and the health of the mother is of primary concern. There are various approaches to labor, delivery, and childbirth, with potential complications of pregnancy and delivery, as well as risks and complications with newborns, but also advances in tests, technology, and medicine. The influences of nature (e.g., genetics) and nurture (e.g., nutrition and teratogens, which are environmental factors during pregnancy that can lead to birth defects) are evident. Evolutionary psychology, along with studies of twins and adoptions, help us understand the interplay of factors and the relative influences of nature and nurture on human development.
Infancy and Toddlerhood
Figure 5. Major development happens during the first two years of life, as evidenced by this newborn baby and his toddler brother.
The first year and a half to two years of life are ones of dramatic growth and change. A newborn, with many involuntary reflexes and a keen sense of hearing but poor vision, is transformed into a walking, talking toddler within a relatively short period of time. Caregivers similarly transform their roles from those who manage feeding and sleep schedules to constantly moving guides and safety inspectors for mobile, energetic children. Brain development happens at a remarkable rate, as does physical growth and language development. Infants have their own temperaments and approaches to play. Interactions with primary caregivers (and others) undergo changes influenced by possible separation anxiety and the development of attachment styles. Social and cultural issues center around breastfeeding or formula-feeding, sleeping in cribs or in the bed with parents, toilet training, and whether or not to get vaccinations.
Figure 6. Early childhood, or the preschool years, around ages 2-6, is filled with incredible amounts of growth and change.
Early childhood is also referred to as the preschool years, consisting of the years that follow toddlerhood and precede formal schooling, roughly from around ages 2 to 5 or 6. As a preschooler, the child is busy learning language (with amazing growth in vocabulary), is gaining a sense of self and greater independence, and is beginning to learn the workings of the physical world. This knowledge does not come quickly, however, and preschoolers may initially have interesting conceptions of size, time, space and distance, such as demonstrating how long something will take by holding out their two index fingers several inches apart. A toddler’s fierce determination to do something may give way to a four-year-old’s sense of guilt for doing something that brings the disapproval of others.
Figure 7. Middle childhood spans most of what is traditionally primary school, or the ages between 6-11.
The ages of 6-11 comprise middle childhood and much of what children experience at this age is connected to their involvement in the early grades of school. Now the world becomes one of learning and testing new academic skills and assessing one’s abilities and accomplishments by making comparisons between self and others. Schools participate in this process by comparing students and making these comparisons public through team sports, test scores, and other forms of recognition. The brain reaches its adult size around age seven, but it continues to develop. Growth rates slow down and children are able to refine their motor skills at this point in life. Children also begin to learn about social relationships beyond the family through interaction with friends and fellow students; same-sex friendships are particularly salient during this period.
Figure 8. Adolescence, or the age roughly between 12-18, is marked by puberty and sexual maturation, accompanied by major socioemotional changes.
Adolescence is a period of dramatic physical change marked by an overall physical growth spurt and sexual maturation, known as puberty; timing may vary by gender, cohort, and culture. It is also a time of cognitive change as the adolescent begins to think of new possibilities and to consider abstract concepts such as love, fear, and freedom. Ironically, adolescents have a sense of invincibility that puts them at greater risk of dying from accidents or contracting sexually transmitted infections that can have lifelong consequences. Research on brain development helps us understand teen risk-taking and impulsive behavior. A major developmental task during adolescence involves establishing one’s own identity. Teens typically struggle to become more independent from their parents. Peers become more important, as teens strive for a sense of belonging and acceptance; mixed-sex peer groups become more common. New roles and responsibilities are explored, which may involve dating, driving, taking on a part-time job, and planning for future academics.
Figure 9. Early adulthood, roughly ages 20-40, may be split into yet another category of “emerging adulthood,” as there are often profound differences between younger adults and those in their late 30s.
Late teens, twenties, and thirties are often thought of as early adulthood (students who are in their mid to late 30s may love to hear that they are young adults!).
It is a time when we are at our physiological peak but are most at risk for involvement in violent crimes and substance abuse.
It is a time of focusing on the future and putting a lot of energy into making choices that will help one earn the status of a full adult in the eyes of others. Love and work are the primary concerns at this stage of life. In recent decades, it has been noted (in the U.S. and other developed countries) that young adults are taking longer to “grow up.” They are waiting longer to move out of their parents’ homes, finish their formal education, take on work/careers, get married, and have children. One psychologist, Jeffrey Arnett, has proposed that there is a new stage of development after adolescence and before early adulthood, called “emerging adulthood,” from 18 to 25 (or even 29) when individuals are still exploring their identities and don’t quite feel like adults yet. Cohort, culture, time in history, the economy, and socioeconomic status may be key factors in when youth take on adult roles.
Figure 10. Middle adulthood spans the years between ages 40-65.
The late thirties (or age 40) through the mid-60s are referred to as middle adulthood.
This is a period in which physiological aging that began earlier becomes more noticeable and a period at which many people are at their peak of productivity in love and work.
It may be a period of gaining expertise in certain fields and being able to understand problems and find solutions with greater efficiency than before.
It can also be a time of becoming more realistic about possibilities in life; of recognizing the difference between what is possible and what is likely.
Referred to as the sandwich generation, middle-aged adults may be in the middle of taking care of their children and also taking care of their aging parents.
While caring about others and the future, middle-aged adults may also be questioning their own mortality, goals, and commitments, though not necessarily experiencing a “mid-life crisis.”
Figure 11. Late adulthood is generally viewed as age 65 and older, but there are incredible variations in health and lifestyle between the “young old” and the “oldest old,” who may be well into their 100s.
This period of the lifespan, late adulthood, has increased in the last 100 years, particularly in industrialized countries, as average life expectancy has increased.
Late adulthood covers a wide age range with a lot of variation, so it is helpful to divide it into categories such as the “young old” (65-74 years old), “old old” (75-84 years old), and “oldest old” (85+ years old).
The young old are similar to middle-aged adults; possibly still working, married, relatively healthy, and active.
The old old have some health problems and challenges with daily living activities; the oldest old are often frail and in need of long term care.
However, many factors are involved and a better way to appreciate the diversity of older adults is to go beyond chronological age and examine whether a person is experiencing optimal aging (like the gentleman pictured in
Figure 8 (above in picture) who is in very good health for his age and continues to have an active, stimulating life), normal aging (in which the changes are similar to most of those of the same age), or impaired aging (referring to someone who has more physical challenge and disease than others of the same age).
Death and Dying
Figure 12. How people think about death, approach death, and cope with death vary depending on many factors. Photo Courtesy Robert Paul Young
The study of death and dying is seldom given the amount of coverage it deserves.
Of course, there is a certain discomfort in thinking about death, but there is also a certain confidence and acceptance that can come from studying death and dying.
Factors such as age, religion, and culture play important roles in attitudes and approaches to death and dying.
There are different types of death: physiological, psychological, and social. The most common causes of death vary with age, gender, race, culture, and time in history.
Dying and grieving are processes and may share certain stages of reactions to loss.
There are interesting examples of cultural variations in death rituals, mourning, and grief.
The concept of a “good death” is described as including personal choices and the involvement of loved ones throughout the process.
Palliative care is an approach to maintain dying individuals’ comfort level, and hospice is a movement and practice that involves professional and volunteer care and loved ones.
Controversy surrounds euthanasia (helping a person fulfill their wish to die)—active and passive types, as well as physician-assisted suicide, and legality varies within the United States.
THINK IT OVER
Think about your own development.
Which period or stage of development are you in right now?
Are you dealing with similar issues and experiencing comparable physical, cognitive, and psychosocial development as described above?
If not, why not?
Are important aspects of development missing and if so, are they common for most of your cohort or unique to you?
Did you know that you use your body language most of the time when you communicate?
Are you looking for psychology tricks on how to read body language?
Your body language can convey different types of feelings and meanings.
While culture and tradition can heavily affect the meanings of body language, here are 19 general facts about body language to help you learn more about the psychology of human behavior and how to read people more effectively.
Researchers wanted to find the secret to a happier life.
And the answer… was love.
Love changes you, guides, and destroys you.
It’s mysterious and powerful in ways science can hardly explain.
To help you understand this extraordinary feeling, let’s dive into these psychological facts you may not have known about love.
The concept of personality is something that has always fascinated the psychology community.
What makes us who we are?
Why do some people behave and act in certain ways?
How is our personality different from the people around us?
In a previous video, we talked about the Myers-Briggs test.
If you haven’t already watched this video, you can check it out after watching this one.
But in this video, we’ll take a closer look at the Myers-Briggs test – a method of sorting and categorizing different personalities.
How to make the right choice?
Here are 10 extremely difficult choices you will ever have to make!
Throughout our lives, we are constantly bombarded with major choices.
Our decisions determine your future and define you and shape your personality. In this video, Bright Side offers you to make 10 extremely difficult choices.
At the end of the video, we’ll tell what kind of person you are!
Well, what a week of emotions that I was presented with, I must admit you really have to dig deep and savour your soul so to speak. It’s a confusing time of how we are supose to act with a loved one that has passed on and of course it means many thing to many of us and that is personal.
I looked at friends and family and myself, my son, my mother, husband, brother, Aunties, Uncles, cousins it’s difficult to really understand how you feel, it’s like your pissed off at the world and you say loudly, “Where were you?” and you say things like, “Why don’t you like us anymore?”
Sounds stupid, well, it isn’t we search for like-minded people that like you, that want to be with you and that enjoys your company, it’s truly sad, when you think of your own funeral and you go, Oh my gosh, no-one’s going to attend are they? Stupid and a little bit selfish, I guess I really am a little confused on the whole death thing.
I am sure I am not alone when it comes to silly things we either hold onto like friends, and thoughts, our feelings and our emotions are as solid as the person that is next to you I guess or in some cares only yourself.
My husband used to say, “I want to be cryogenics”, frozen, and awaken in 100 million years, think about that for a moment, hmm, pass, alone in a world that looks and feels and is different, no thank you.
I guess I will be buried like my family or ashed over a beautiful ocean to float and sink to the bottom as I look up and watch what goes over me in time or buried so I am in a beautiful golden or red or magenta coloured casket while no one bothers to visit my sorry little ass.
Oh well, I will worry about that when the times comes I guess, so, I will probably shove that thought to the back of my mind and get on with my life as per usual.
Life is as difficult or as hard as you want to make it and if we dwell over things that haven’t happened well, that is just a silly thought, don’t you think?
I will visit Dad, each time I go see my mum and brother, in Rockingham, make sure he knows that I did love him and make sure he is doing fine I suppose.
Still sad to know that this person who I might add was amazing, is gone and it makes me a little teary to think about it really, he was truly my only person that didn’t judge me too harshly and loved me because he wanted to not because he had too.
Big difference, really, to have a person want to love you…. and never questioning him EVER, on that subject is super to know this and I guess he knew this too about me.
There is one thing I know if I say something I mean it… so if I say I love you know deeply that I do with all of my heart and soul, that is just Franny to a tea!
So, what is next for me, well, my mum needs her fences and gardens and many other areas of both homes to be looked after, Charlie my brother will need to come up here more often because he too needs to know he is safe and loved.
Then I guess whatever friends we make in the future will become family as well, which is about right, we are always such a pair my husband and I too friendly, loving and most of all welcoming to many people that have blessed us with there company.
Most didn’t stay they made their own families and went there merry way and I guess found that “we” really didn’t fit within them which is fine, really. We all live different lives and we all have our own busy lives I guess deep down a family is much more than blood however, sometimes, I wish we could have our own family, children this never happened for us.
Anyway, enough of the drama, let’s hope our future looks amazing, and this horrible virus goes away and we all can get on with whatever we are doing in our lives, hopefully travel plans that would be AMAZING, Bali!!!
Then maybe living somewhere else closer to the beach and new and amazing friends and perhaps giving those that we hold onto a bit of a break by saying, it is time to let you ALL go and we hope you have a amazing life going forward.
So, beautiful readers, let’s call this a new beginning of living a life without holding onto people that really don’t want us too.. so I say goodbye and we hope you love your life with hope, happiness and much love…
Before you read the below grief stages I must advise you my stage I think mine is a little slower, however, I have noticed Anger lingering like a bad smell sorry to those I may have snapped at and said, something that may have upset you or hurt some.
I am still trying to come to terms with a person that was everything to me and that my dear friends is the most difficult of all things…
To my son Jordan, if your dad is not well, I suggest you make your way home to visit him and make sure you spend enough time with him and that he knows that you love him which I know you do… If you don’t your grief will be much harder to deal with darling boy xxx
And to another who is my friends and my husbands best mate…..
To a dear male friend, (you know who you are Mr N)
As I reflected to my conversation with you… I may have been a little rude… in saying This was not my intent … well, my dear friend I am sorry for my harsh statement I just lost my father so I was trying my hardest to not look or sound upset that I was okay, when really I was not. Life is too short make sure you love your family and keep close your friends because we all could do with someone to poke fun at 🙂 (me) not (you)
Thank you for coming to my fathers funeral and I am truly sorry if I hurt your feelings that was not my intention.
Apparently there are 5 stages of Grief we go through so here is number ONE below:
Denial is the first of the five stages of grief.
It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming.
Life makes no sense.
We are in a state of shock and denial.
We go numb.
We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on.
We try to find a way to simply get through each day.
Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible.
Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief.
There is a grace in denial.
It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
The second stage is:
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless.
The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal.
There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing.
The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God.
You may ask, “Where is God in this?”
Underneath anger is pain, your pain.
It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger.
Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss.
At first grief feels like being lost at sea:
no connection to anything.
Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died.
Suddenly you have a structure – – your anger toward them.
The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them.
It is something to hold onto and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.
We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it.
The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.
The THIRD is:
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.”
After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others.
Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”
We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements.
We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time:
find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion.
The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss.
We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months.
They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another.
We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion.
We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
The FOURTH is:
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present.
Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined.
This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever.
It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss.
We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone?
Why go on at all?
Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of.
The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing.
The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response.
To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual.
When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing.
If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
And Finally, the last is:
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened.
This is not the case.
Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one.
This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.
We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it.
It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing.
In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died.
In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact.
It has been forever changed and we must adjust.
We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves.
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones.
As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one.
We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies.
Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve.
We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves.
We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
Some may think it is strange to take a picture of a persons grave, well, I am a little odd and I am happy with that sometimes we all do silly, strange things and that is okay.
However, it was my first time back since he was buried on the 17th September and he died on the 7th September 2020 at 9:29 am,
I took it because the person resting in this place is my father and even though many may not understand this , I loved this man very much with all of my heart and soul.
To me he was my idle, he was the man that showed me many things that I look for in a partner a male friend and in most people he was stubborn just like me he was funny just like me he had a smile that made me grin and he had many beautiful values that I use today.
He was angry and yes he was a bit mean in these last few months (he had prostate cancer, emphysema and asbestosis I would be pissed myself, right?) however, he was eventually, grateful for his wife my mum, his son my brother and in me which I know because this man never kept his pissed off attitude to himself that he shared with me always..
If he didn’t like my behaviour well, sorry he would tell me and he would tell me quick and sharp… yup, okay dad, i am hearing you.. enough dad, I get it, dad if you don’t stop right now… hehehe.
Life is bloody short, please forgive quick, love people as they are and never ever change them.. help them see something that is good in them… say things that helps people, try and lift people, love people and never be nasty… that isn’t nice for anyone and most of all it isn’t nice to listen too either.Say things like, if I am rude to you tell me and I will say that I am sorry, don’t dwell on the same thing, just let’s change a few ways we handle things.. and continue with good friendships and relationships.Life is extremely short and friendships are hard to come by and make an effort with each other if you want to see someone do it… stop putting it off for another day because it might not come..
So, where was I… oh yes..
I loved my father and I always will that is why I took the picture and that is what I do… so please respect my decisions because they are mine okay… and I will respect yours it is that easy and that respectful…And be kind.. it is FREE xxx
This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community; browse through all the posts here.
EGO … Don’t take it personally it isn’t about YOU, it is about something that occurred when you where a child.. that someone told you your efforts where not good enough…
Don’t blame a person who talks to you about themselves.. this isn’t about you… this is however, about them… so, make sure you listen without your EGO, or you will take it personally.
Let’s say I’m trying to find a specific location so I’m driving really slowly. The person in the car behind me starts honking and flashing their headlights at me.
How do I respond?
I take it personally.
I know I shouldn’t. But it just happens.
Or, let’s say someone cancels a work-related appointment with me at the last minute.
How do I respond?
Again, I take it personally, even though it’s professional. I feel I must not be important enough to them.
I give keynote speeches for a living, and I really like drawing my audience into my story. But the very moment that I see someone not paying attention and look at their phone, I take it personally.
Of course, I’m not the only person who takes these kinds of things personally.
Imagine you invite a friend to the movies and she replies: “Oh sorry, I have to work.” But then you see her on social media having dinner with friends that very night.
Or imagine you worked hard on a project, you’re really proud of the end result, but the only feedback you get is criticism. So you come home and want to share this terrible experience. But while you’re telling your story, your partner walks away to switch on the TV.
Most of us would take these situations personally — we’d feel hurt, neglected, offended or betrayed by the other person.
At these moments, we believe: “It’s the other person’s fault; they’re responsible for what I feel; they’re the one to blame.”
The part of us that’s speaking is our ego. Our ego thinks others should take us into consideration. Our ego doesn’t want to be criticized. Our ego wants to be acknowledged and told we’re always right.
When our egos take over, it’s exhausting.
Instead, it would probably be easier for us if we could stop taking things so personally. That way, no one has power over us; we’re free.
We’d experience more harmony and connection between us and others, and our energy could go towards positive things, instead of endlessly battling against the things that drive us crazy.
Well, how do we do that?
Here are some strategies that I’ve come up with.
Strategy #1: Realize that it’s not about you
When I take things personally, I’m always convinced that their actions are about me. When I see someone looking at his phone when I’m speaking, I feel offended and think, “Hey I’ve put so much effort and time in this presentation. I want respect.”
But in fact, it isn’t about me. What if I try to look at it from the other person’s perspective and ask myself: “Why is he or she looking at his or her phone?”
Maybe she’s just received an important message, one she’s been waiting for. Perhaps the topic of my presentation is not really his cup of tea, or, on the contrary, she finds it so interesting that she wants to take notes on her phone.
By shifting my focus from “me” to “we”, I won’t take it so personally. If I try to see the intention of the other person, I make space for understanding rather than irritation.
When you put your son to bed and he doesn’t want you to and he throws himself on the floor and screams, “I hate you,” do you take that personally?
Probably not, because you know it’s not about you; it’s about what he wants and needs. He’s angry because he just wants to stay up a bit longer; that’s all.
Whenever you start to take things personally, look at the other person’s intention. Of course, this seems simple … in theory. In real life, it turns out to be a heck of a job. When you see two colleagues talk to each other, look at you and start laughing, do you think: “Oh, they must have noticed my new shoes and I want them too?”
No. You think, “They’re laughing at me” or “They’re gossiping about me.”
It takes a lot of effort to say to yourself, “Hang on, I have no clue. They might be laughing about something that has nothing to do with me.”
Seeing the positive intentions of the other person requires discipline and training. I became a kind of referee to train my brain not to take things personally.
When the “It’s not about me” strategy doesn’t work, it usually means it is about me.
Then, it’s time to use:
Strategy #2: Give yourself some empathy, or speak up
Let’s say a driver is tailgating me. Even if I think it’s because he is in a hurry, I need to ask myself: “Was I driving too slowly?”
And when I do, I may realize that I was at fault — and I’m uncomfortable because I don’t like that part of myself which made a mistake.
That’s when you need to give yourself some empathy and say something like: “Oh, this hurts; I’m longing so hard to be perfect” or “I’m longing to be right, and I feel sad when I don’t feel that way.”
Sometimes, it might make sense for you to speak up. If someone walks away while you’re talking to them, tell them: “I’m in the middle of my story, and you just left me to switch on the TV. It feels as if you don’t care about what I’m saying.”
By opening up, being vulnerable, and stating how you feel without blaming the other person (this last part’s important), you increase the chance that they’ll understand you and take your needs into account.
In the next hours, days and weeks, I hope you’ll find some things to take personally — and I think you will! — so you can test out these two strategies.
It’s important for doctors to assess which type of depression you have, so they can prescribe the most effective treatments. Depending on the type of depression that you have your symptoms and what caused these symptoms may vary.
In Australia, the five main types of depression include:
We have seen this on the internet so many times let’s not get too carried away about what I put here however, I was interested in what this title means. So, I searched for something that explains it a little better, however, not every person in a relationship is like this nor some of us know we do this but, we should watch it just to make sure the signs are just more signs and not something a person who argues just does. We are only human sometimes we do tend to go a bit overboard and at times this video has extremely similar traits of what you go through. So, make sure you keep telling each other how much you love one another… and then these videos wont seem like your married to a controlling person. Sometimes we do and say things to one another out of frustration and just tiredness.. dont blame one another try and be more empathetic.
Here is Dan story…
For gaslighters like Dan, the technique is a way to control the moment in the relationship, to stop the conflict, to ease some anxiety and feel “in charge” again.
It’s a way for someone to deflect responsibility and to tear down someone else, all the while keeping the other person hooked, especially if what they are hooked on is the desperate need to please another person — or prove that person wrong.
People aren’t born gaslighters like they are born introverts or extroverts.
A gaslighter is a student of social learning.
They witness it, feel the effects of it, or stumble upon it and see that it is a potent tool.
It’s a cognitive strategy for self-regulation and co-regulation. To be frank, it works.
The gaslighter may not even know he is doing anything strategic or manipulative.
He lacks self-awareness and may just think he is expressing himself directly, or is prone to unflinching honesty, saying it “like it is.”
For example, if a gaslighter’s partner asks where he’s been when he comes home at midnight, a gaslighter might accuse their partner of caring too much about punctuality, then justify it to themselves by asking, “What’s wrong with telling someone there’s something wrong with them?” It’s his way of making sense of why his partner is upset with his lateness and to put the conversation, and himself, to bed.
Gaslighters are people, too.
For many, gaslighting could be a bad habit picked up from the relationships they grew up around.
If a gaslighter partner, friend, or parent is willing to do the hard work of changing the way they argue or interact with them, change is possible.
But it can be difficult to achieve this if they continue to buffer you from your own reality.
How do you recognize that gaslighting is happening?
Take a look at the list below.
If any part of the list resonates with you, you may be involved in a gaslighting relationship and need to look further.
You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” many times per day.
You often feel confused and even crazy in the relationship.
You’re always apologizing.
You can’t understand why you aren’t happier.
You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
You know something is wrong but you just don’t know what.
You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You wonder if you are good enough.
While all of these symptoms can occur with anxiety disorders, depression, or low self-esteem, the difference with gaslighting is that there is another person or group that’s actively engaged in trying to make you second-guess what you know is true.
If you don’t typically experience these feelings with other people but do with one particular individual, then you might be a victim of gaslighting.
Some common phrases you might hear from your gaslighter are:
You’re so sensitive!
You know that’s just because you are so insecure.
Stop acting crazy. Or: You sound crazy, you know that, don’t you?
You are just paranoid.
You just love trying to throw me off track.
I was just joking!
You are making that up.
It’s no big deal.
You’re imagining things.
You are always so dramatic.
Don’t get so worked up.
That never happened.
You know you don’t remember things clearly.
There’s no pattern. Or: You are seeing a pattern that is not there.
There you go again, you are so ungrateful.
Nobody believes you, why should I?
In what context are you hearing these phrases?
Typical triggers that create a stressful environment that can lead to gaslighting include topics such as money, sex, your families of origin, or habits you came into the relationship with.
It’s also worth noting that in my practice, the gaslighter is typically a man and the gaslightee is typically a woman.
In my clinical experience, many women are socialized to doubt themselves and continually apologize for disagreeing or upsetting their partners.
Men are not.
What to do if you’re getting gaslighted
It can be excruciatingly difficult to pull oneself out of a gaslighting power dynamic like the one Janine was experiencing.
But it is possible.
The antidote to gaslighting is greater emotional awareness and self-regulation — both the knowledge and the practice.
Using these emotional skills, gaslightees come to learn (or accept if they already knew and were caused to forget) that they don’t actually need anyone else to validate their reality, thereby building self-reliance and confidence in defining their own reality.
They will also learn that is possible to manage those uncomfortable feelings of standing in their own certainty in opposition to a gaslighter.
This can be especially challenging if the gaslightee is a victim of abuse and requires a significant shift in mindset and skills through therapy.
Here are steps that have helped my patients and my friends over the past two decades:
1) Identify the problem. Recognizing the problem is the first step. Name what is going on between you and your spouse, friend, family member, colleague, or boss.
2) Sort out truth from distortion. Write down your conversation in a journal so you can take an objective look at it. Where is the conversation veering off from reality into the other person’s view? Then after you look at the dialogue, write down how you felt. Look for signs of repeated denial of your experience.
3) Figure out if you are in a power struggle with your partner. If you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again and can’t seem to convince them to acknowledge your point of view, you might be getting gaslighted.
4) Engage in a mental exercise to encourage a mindset shift: Visualize yourself without the relationship or continuing it at much more of a distance. Importantly, cast the vision in a positive light, even if it causes you to feel anxiety. Think down the road when you will have your own reality, social support, and integrity.
5) Give yourself permission to feel all your feelings. Accept and acknowledge that what you feel is okay. I recommend tracking your feelings. Consider trying the Mood Meter app that Marc Brackett and I developed at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence; it’s an easy way to facilitate your learning about your emotions and track your patterns, allowing you to learn what triggers your feelings and gives helpful strategies to shift your moods.
6) Give yourself the okay to give something up. Part of what makes it painful and challenging to leave a gaslight relationship is that the gaslighter may be the one “someone” you have committed to, such as your best friend, your mom, your sister or brother. It’s okay to walk away from toxicity, regardless of the source.
7) Talk to your close friends. Ask them if you seem like yourself and do a reality check on your spouse’s behavior. Ask them to be brutally honest.
8) Focus on feelings instead of right and wrong. It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to be right or spend endless hours ruminating about who’s right. But determining who is right and wrong is less important than how you feel — if your conversation leaves you feeling bad or second-guessing yourself, that’s what you need to pay attention to. Having a sense of psychological and emotional well-being in a relationship is more important than who is right or wrong in any conversation.
9) Remember that you can’t control anyone’s opinion, even if you are right. You may never get your friend or your boss or your partner to agree that you aren’t too sensitive or too controlling or too anything.
You need to let go of trying, as maddening as this can be. The only person whose opinion you can control is your own.
10) Have compassion for yourself. This is really hardeven when you are not in a compromising dynamic.
But when you are not feeling confident and strong, it’s even harder to give yourself the benefit of the doubt, kindness, and love.
It will be a healing influence and help you move forward in your decision making. Now is a time for self-care.
Gaslighting is not the same as sensitivity
It’s important to separate gaslighting from genuine disagreement, which is common, and even important, in relationships. Not every conflict involves gaslighting, and, of course, there are healthy and helpful ways to resolve conflicts.
Gaslighting is distinct because only one of you is listening and considering the other’s perspective and someone is negating your perception, insisting that you are wrong or telling you your emotional reaction is crazy/ dysfunctional in some way.
Nor are victims of gaslighting just being overly sensitive. People can be more susceptible to emotional harm than others for a variety of reasons, but gaslighting isn’t about individual personality differences.
It’s about knocking one’s understanding of reality off balance.
One couple I counseled, Larry and Dana, came to me because Dana was uncomfortable that Larry had started hanging out late into the night with friends. But when Dana expressed that his actions made her feel like he was choosing other people over her, Larry responded by denying her feelings and denying that he was even staying out all that late.
If Larry had affirmed Dana’s reading of the situation and responded that he wanted to strengthen his friendships or that he felt Dana was distancing herself from him and that’s why he was spending more time with his friends, he wouldn’t be gaslighting. (Note that being affirmed doesn’t mean that someone is telling you that you’re always right; that’s a form of gaslighting, too.)
Even if you have been gaslighted — and make no mistake, it is a form of abuse — that doesn’t mean that things can’t be remedied. For one, through increased emotional awareness and learning to identify the gaslighting, you can learn to validate yourself.
When others challenge your perception, ignore them.
It’s the self-doubt that is so crippling in gaslighting.
In the film Gas Light, Paula, now realizing that Gregory has been manipulating her, turns the tables on him. In the final scene, Gregory has been tied to a chair by police.
When Paula enters the room, he instructs her to get a knife and cut him loose. But Paula gaslights him by pretending that she is too mentally ill — a reality that he has constructed for her — to carry out his instructions.
You are the architect of your own reality.
If you’re looking at the beams and walls and telling yourself, “Wait, I know this just isn’t true,” then the gaslight might be on.
Robin Stern, PhD, is the associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence where she works every day to make the world a more equitable and compassionate place for all. Robin is also psychoanalyst with three decades of experience treating individuals and couples. She is a Yale Public Voices fellow whose work is frequently published in popular media outlets, and she serves on the Advisory Board of UN Women for Peace, Think Equal, Crisis Text Line, and I’ll Go First.
I don’t want to exist in someone’s life that really doesn’t like my company anymore.
I am tired of being someone’s reason why they never did what they think they should have done, whatever that maybe..
One moment your Happy then a split second your NOT….and the very next day its taken away..
I am tired of seeing someone happy for a tiny moment until they feel that there unhappy and turn to me and tell me I am the reason for failures.
I am tired of hearing my efforts are not good enough..
I am so damn well over the same shit each day and it never ever feels good anymore..
Everything is pointed to me for some reason, yet never them….
Denial of EVERYTHING ..
Never ever do I see a happy week … Never ever do I see change…
Never promise something to someone when you can’t do it..
It is cruel and it is mean and it will tear your heart apart over and over and over and over until your mind goes “bang”…
Put downs and sad moments and berating of what you didnt do right.. yet never long enough on something positive of what you did right…
Why they think that it is me holding them back.
I am over the same misery that seems to follow each time someone hates something all because of nothing..
And I am tired of being blamed and never appreciated.
I am also tired of never feeling that I am a priority to someone…
I need my time to myself and I don’t need to be in someones life all because he had too..
I have had enough of hearing the yelling, the anger, the reason why he is unhappy, I am tired of being his second best…
I am tired and I am over it and I am not doing this anymore..
Manipulation for what reason?
Hatred towards another… but, why would you?
Passive and then Aggressive then Judgemental, then Angry, then Jealous, then comes the personal hits of another, if this doesn’t hurt you this will, but why?
If you never wanted to be with a person then why would you put that person through so much unhappiness and then you use blaming , shaming, and I find it is like playing a stupid cruel joke all because you think your better than anything or anyone?
The I don’t care and the I dont give a shit routine, then I hate these people and I hate you….
Not to mention when the above isn’t good enough do it all over again until you have hurt that person enough… for what reason?
And this….. it is never your fault for your behaviour… it is his fault or my fault or their fault yet never your fault..
Guess what I am not perfect nor should I be.. I make errors, I get angry, I have issues and sometimes I am at fault.. but, you are never at fault.. for anything you do…
Start using a better language and start being kinder to those that care about you and stop with the BULLSHIT….
I am over it… and I want me to be happy and I can’t be in a place that isn’t happy enough or long enough in that state.. I am tired of being your fault … not good enough and bullshit that you feel that the world owes you..
I will not listen to someone making me feel bad for your unhappiness, I won’t be in a solo marriage and I am sick to death of you telling me that I am not important enough…
I am over your BULLSHIT of what you think you are according to YOU… you have no idea who you are….
And because there is so much energy going towards you FIXING everything and never really fixing anything.. this is OVER, because you never allowed yourself to open up long enough..
People hold back because they see that a RISK is certainly going to rise up.. I see it .. He sees it… you never see it….. are you Blind?
Surely you don’t think ANYONE is not aware of the same behaviour… CALL it GASLIGHTING, call it Manipulation if you wish… how much punishment do you wish to conflict on yourself, me and those that care about you.
I have spent years upon years of trying to help you … and you did try to help me however, you didn’t listen.. you dictated what you wished to say.. how you said it … how it looked and then when it didnt work out.. guess who you blamed…
Me…. she’s crazy, she’s mad, her head is off the charts.. let’s put fear into others to make them think it is me… good work mate…
However, PTSD, wasn’t enough, let’s then trigger her mind to go crazy again… anger started and then you still blame , yell, lie, hate, and convince those that listen to your winging and wining yet you still wanted what?
What is it that makes you hate me…. so damn much.. I give up.. I have had enough and I don’t want to feel like I never mattered..
Because I do feel that, everyday, thank you
And I have tried to help… yet you wont allow me in… You will never open up you will use my insecurities and my moments that hurt me in my past as a weapon to hinder me more.
You do not like me…. And I am not sure if I like you…
I loved you with every part of my soul and you rejected me like I was not even part of your life…
Two many in this marriage …
And never me in it… it is your house , your stuff, your walls, your bed, your dogs, your negative thoughts.. your life now..
This was a terrible day that I had so please know the above was my thoughts, feelings and my sadness after my father died…it isn’t how I really feel..
I really hate this saying, happy wife happy life, who the hell would use this in a sentence.. it sounds bloody condesending and someone’s either got bad humour or seems to think that is the cure of all relationships.
Ever notice familiar similarities, in our experiences are intertwined with others or someone’s feeding me bullshit and I can’t be stuffed arguing, fighting, screaming or even killing…. so you just go whatever, floats your boat and the next minute “bang”.
I felt like I was on a Television Programme starring the strung out actress who is on her last legs and in comes her confident, smiley and what are you up to no good look husband, while I was entertained by Uncle Fester, from the Adams Family.
Ps…. if Uncle Fester spoke louder I then could hear his ever so subtle innuendos of something which I have to say is LAME… seriously??
My own experience through suffering with this type of Trauma, I have to say that it is a unique individual based.
I say this is because it isn’t like a cold, illness like cancer it is around a tragic experience that affected you by what someone did or perhaps over time it could be the extreme treatment of a person in a negative way.
It isn’t easy to explain the hows and the why’s this crept up like a savage animal about to pounce onto it’s prey. Sounds dramatic I suppose I am a little dramatic to be perfectly honest I have no other way of explaining what this feels like, means to me.
It was bloody awful and I hated every agonising moment of it… that is my truth
Even more horrifying I have to say it felt like I had been taken back to a place of memory and the anger and the fright of this emotion was like someone left me to drown with no way of getting to land.
Once I started to understand this feeling of where it came from the more I noticed the more I felt it and the more I was screaming inside my body saying, “Fucking hell, please save me I know this feeling, get me out of this mindset”, then the realisation of what age I was when I felt this was even another horrific realisation.”
For example let’s look at War Vets, the go to war, kill people, these extremes will affect your mental health because this is the worst kind of experience any human can go through.
Even though I can talk about it now and remember it now I can tell you this you have to be able to reflect without triggering yourself and if you cannot do this … DON’T DO IT… until you can..
I can still remember how old I was and more what it felt like and let me tell you I had every respect for that little girl because WOW, that was intense for me now as an adult to reflect on the pain.
However, if we are talking about everyday people living and breathing within a family based unit and they suffer abuse over years then of course this will hinder the child and possibly trigger in later years or if not suffer from the moment the abuse starts.
We are all different and our minds are uniquely wired and of course trauma is such a personal experience to a person who was visited by someone at sometime or even a incident that was horrifying as you can see this sickness I will put it into that category is based by the person and not the extreme experience.
For me I had no idea I had PTSD, until I was in my late 40’s, in fact I think funny enough that when this title came up in society and everyone could get this type of illness.
However, for me “any type of mental health”, was not a box ticker, I felt that anything like this was horrifying to have and more so like a weakness within me as a person.
The moment I knew there was a problem was when I “Froze”, the only other time I experienced this was when I was a child and I felt scared and feared for each breath. Very strange feeling however, I do recall that my memory went straight back to a experiences that made me feel this type of fear.
After I felt myself freezing this seemed to make me aware of something not quiet right, and it seemed to happen over and over, I just could not allow myself to unfreeze, after a little time to understand this sensation it took it’s time to register that I wasnt experiencing fear however, it was more the feeling of being rejected and feeling that if I do become aware that a good feeling would end and reality of my past was all about disappointment and constant let downs.
Once I could recognise it other emotions that scared me from my past started to appear I believe it appeared because my memory of those moments became very vivid, it was like I had amnesia and I could not remember or I bloked it from my past.
Which makes alot of sense how does one protect ourselves we don’t focus on it however, I think everyone has something about themselves that do what we do to reduce the stress and the fear of what happened.
Some people have amazing strength and some just don’t we are all created differently and our genetic capability relies on this and of course your upbringinhg and your own self.
A strong mind gets us through most horrific moments I think we are not aware of just how strong our mind really is.. this is a little bit of my experience of how I understood how this all started for me.
I believe that remedies, organic substances and good people around you can help with a intervention of how this can be cured and of course you must remember if you survived it.. you can cure it… that is my belief.
Cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) aims to show us how our thinking affects our mood.
CBT teaches us to think in a different way about life, perceived dangers, and stress.
We can challenge our thinking patterns and reframe the way we think.
We can also face stressors (rather than avoiding them) and learn ways to challenge them.
There is good evidence that trauma-focused CBT is effective at reducing the symptoms of PTSD. CBT is sometimes used together with ‘exposure therapy’ (or ‘behaviour therapy’) where we are exposed to fearful objects or situations over time.
be conducted by a trained therapist in one-on-one or small group therapy sessions
include ‘homework’ between sessions, sometimes in the form of online mental health programs that are discussed in the next session
require an average of 10 sessions, with the number varying from person to person
help you look logically at the evidence for your negative or worrying thoughts and dangers, and to adjust the way you view them.
CBT is also successfully used in treating depression and anxiety.
When cognitive behavioural therapy is used for PTSD treatment, there are two main parts:
A cognitive component that challenges and modifies our distorted thoughts about the trauma, ourselves and the world around us, that have arisen because of a traumatic experience.
A behavioural component where we confront the memory of the traumatic event or situation in a safe environment (imaginal exposure); exposing us gradually and repeatedly to the triggers of our fear and stress, until we’re no longer distressed by them.
What can I expect from trauma-focused CBT?
Trauma-focused CBT can involve:
learning about PTSD and psychology
taking part in exercises describing and imagining the traumatic event and its aftermath, and exploring the negative emotions that arise
completing homework that can help you make progress between sessions
recording your feelings and the symptoms you experience when you face situations that trigger stressful reminders of the event.
It’s important that the professional treating you has expertise in this area, and regularly reviews your progress. Ask them about their training in trauma-focused CBT.
How long does trauma-focused CBT take?
When talking about traumatic experiences and the feelings that may come up, it’s important to have enough time.
Trauma-focused CBT usually consists of 8 to 12 sessions of one or two hours. Sometimes treatment is extended or altered depending on your response.
CBT can be very beneficial for people of all ages who have PTSD.
CBT has been found to be one of the most effective treatments for PTSD. It can be used across all ages from children and adolescents to the elderly.
CBT is generally delivered by a trained psychologist. Make sure they have training in trauma-focused CBT.
Complementary and Alternative Therapies
Mindfulness-based stress reduction therapy for PTSD
Mindfulness-based stress reduction can teach us how to be in the present moment in a non-judgmental, accepting way. There is increasing interest in how mindfulness can help PTSD.
A recent study of veterans with PTSD showed that 8 weeks of 2.5-hour group sessions of mindfulness-based stress reduction therapy significantly improved PTSD symptoms after 2 months. The therapy was provided in addition to the usual care methods.
Specialists are working on developing more well designed, best-practice mindfulness and exercise programs that can be used in addition to usual care treatments for PTSD.
Supporting someone with PTSD
Research has shown that support from family and friends is important in helping someone overcome the debilitating effects of PTSD. Couples or family therapy can help to fix damaged relationships. In some cases, family members may need to seek support of their own.
With support and the right treatment, the symptoms of PTSD can diminish over time and it is possible for the person to fully enjoy life again.
If a person with PTSD has feelings of self-harm or suicide, then treat this as a medical emergency and dial triple zero (000) for an ambulance or go to the nearest hospital emergency department.
Acupuncture may be used as an additional treatment for PTSD for people who have not responded to trauma-focused psychological therapy, medication or exercise.
Acupuncture is part of traditional Chinese medicine. It involves placing thin needles into points in the patient’s skin to stimulate points that are believed to correct imbalances in the flow of energy through channels known as meridians.
Acupuncture is safe when administered by well-trained practitioners using sterile needles. It has a low risk of serious adverse effects.
We need more studies to show how effective acupuncture is in treating PTSD.
Many men do not recognise the warning signs that their relationship is in trouble, or ignore these signs in the hope that things will get better.
Sometimes relationship trouble and separation comes as a complete surprise when initiated by a partner.
The experience of separation or family breakdown is distressing for all concerned. It is particularly devastating if you are taken by surprise and are not the one who initiates the separation – the person who initiates the break-up will usually experience greater distress beforehand leading up to the decision.
Each relationship is as unique as the people involved. There is no sure way to predict whether a relationship will end. What one couple will put up with, can drive another apart. However, there are always clear signals that all is not well. Watching for and recognising these signs, and acting promptly, is vitally important for the health of your relationship.
Some common signs
Communication is minimal and often negative
Differences are criticised rather than enjoyed
You are spending less time together
One partner indicates the relationship is in trouble
One partner is rarely prepared to listen
Conflict leads to resentment, not resolution
There are fewer fun moments
Put-downs are more common than compliments
Humour is often at other’s expense
If you recognise any of these warning signs, have you been:
Burying your head in the sand and acting like nothing is wrong?
Blaming your partner for what is happening, hoping the problems go away or expecting your partner them to do something about it?
Problems don’t usually go away on their own if they’re not talked about. It is often during this time that someone makes the decision to leave. Responsibility for the health and wellbeing of a relationship rests with both you and your partner.
Tips for getting things back on track
Make time to talk and connect on a regular basis
If your partner says they feel things are not OK, listen to them
Take responsibility for past behaviours and make changes, where appropriate
Pay attention to what is not said, as well as to what is said
Use “I” statements like: “I feel hurt when you say that”
Show interest in the other’s life; know what’s important to them
Be clear, but realistic, about what you need and want from them
Do something kind: the favour is often returned
Sharing a good friendship, enjoying one another’s company and having more positive moments than negative ones are signs of a good relationship. The tips above are about how to change the balance by maximising the positive moments and minimising the negative ones. It’s not fighting that damages a relationship, but how we fight.
MensLine Australia has professional counsellors available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, providing confidential and anonymous information and support for all relationship issues.